Yuuki

I am mustering up a lot of courage or Yuuki these days! I have a book coming out later this month and that means I will be doing a lot of self promotion. 

So here's to Yuuki!

the Japanese word for courage is: 勇気 (yuuki)

The first character has the meaning 'brave' and the second is 'spirit'. I should think leaving off the second character would be fine unless you were using it in an actual Japanese sentence (in which case you'd likely be representing the word yuuki and so would need both)...

...according to Jim Breen's WWWJDIC 勇 (yuu) can stand alone as a noun, meaning "bravery; courage; heroism"...

I started a new FB fan page for my book so if you haven't yet—please go and "like" it!

INSPIRE: A Musical Fireside Group

On October 17, 2011 Michael Sackett & I sent out an email letting people know they had made it into a Musical Fireside Group—later, that group would be named, "INSPIRE."

Nine months later INSPIRE is in full swing!

I have ALWAYS loved music. Michael has also.  While I was directing Musical Firesides in Boston and later becoming the Musical Director of Latter Day Sounds Michael was busy performing with groups like Latter Day Celebrations, Vocal Point, Young Ambassadors, and performing with Rob Gardner's many productions.

One day Michael and I were talking about how we wanted to get back into music. He got married, moved to AZ,  and had beautiful little boy. I moved to AZ, graduated from Grad School, and got a job as a wilderness therapist. We were both ready to bring music back into our lives.

Also, we both realized that there wasn't really much, as far as LDS music groups go, in the Valley. There were a few other groups but they required a lot of time. Michael & I wanted to put together a group that would rehearse and perform on Sunday nights. We wanted it to be open to anyone between the ages of 18-35ish.

Putting this group together has been no small feat. It takes a lot of time and work. It has been incredible working with Michael. I love meeting new people, hearing their stories, listening to their voices. This is journey I love and I look forward to many more wicked awesome experiences!!

Sit In & Own Your Stuff

As an adolescent therapist I often talk to teenagers and their parents about sitting with or in their stuff. I also talk about them owning their stuff. All this garble is to say you don't have control of others only of yourself. I believe this sentiment whole heartedly.

In the last few days I have allowed myself to sit in and own my stuff. I have been miserable. There are a few significant changes that have happen lately, one of which is me moving to a new place with new roommates. I am also sick and not feeling well at all.

I hardly slept at all Monday night and fought the urge to call in sick for Tuesday a gazillion times. Tuesdays are trail days at my job and just about impossible to miss (and I was sitting with another Shadow's clients too.) So I sucked it up and head to work at 6 am.

I told myself, "Self, you don't have to be happy or comfortable, you don't have play nice or fake it. What you do have to be is professional and own your stuff. You need to be present in your sessions, focus on your YoungWalkers/SinaguaWalkers, and listen. Everything else if fair game.

And so I was miserable on the 4 hour drive out to the trail and miserable on the 4 hour drive back ( I mostly slept—thank you driver.) When people asked me how I am the past few days I tell them the truth. I am not well—but I will get there. They don't really know what to do with me. I am dependable, most of the time, as the happy-see life in a positive view-kind of person. When life is hard for me people don't know how to react. They feel the need to fix me, or save me, or something similar.  I don't need any of those things. I just need to Sit In & Own My Stuff.


I am taking my own advice. I am living in the present. I am not feeling well but I will get there. I have so many blessings and people who love me. I am grateful for so many things.

So if you run into me in the next few days just know things will get better, I will stop feeling sick, and I am grateful for your love and concern!

Heart Pictures Jar

The other night I had this idea—clear as if it was memory that had already happened. I was writing on a piece of paper a heart picture moment—a moment in time that your heart takes a picture and wants to remember and hold onto forever. After writing on a piece of paper I put it in this glass jar. The label on the jar said, "Heart Pictures."

So I bought a jar. I labeled it. I wrote a heart picture moment. I love that one day my jar will be filled with special moments!

w/o the Benefits

I bought a "house" (my student loan) w/o the benefits of having a house.

I have pregnant swollen feet (ants attached them & I'm allergic) w/o the benefits of being pregnant

I don't like this pattern...

MOVE

I am severely allergic to cut grass. I know it sounds silly but it does a number on my immune system. I carry an Epi Pen for this reason (and others.) When I was little and my dad would mow the lawn I would run into my room, shut the door, the windows, and climb under my covers. I was afraid of the enzyme that is released when the grass is cut. It hurts me.

Currently, we have a wonderful team of people who groom our yard. On Friday mornings they come and edge the grass, cut it, etc. Every Friday morning I hesitate at the front door, I take a deep breath, I stave off panic, I tell myself, "self, move now!" and race to my car before I take another breath.

As I was doing this ritual this morning I thought about how it applies to other areas of my life. Sometimes I come face to face with things that I fear or can potentially hurt me and I am paralyzed. I think if I took a deep breath and moved forward I would find I am more than okay.

The children of Israel stood face to face with the Red Sea. In Exodus 14:15 it reads, "And the Lord said unto Moses, Wherefore criest thou unto me? speak unto the children of Israel, that they go forward."   In Matthew 14:22-24 it reads, "And when Peter was come down out of the ship..." It takes action to get miracles. It takes moving to find joy in life. There are so many more stories/references to people who stand on the brink and decided to move.

And so today I issue this challenge: MOVE!

It's Okay

It's okay if you have no idea what is going to happen next

It's okay if you are exhausted

It's okay if you are wrestling with God and losing

It's okay to be happy

It's okay if at some point in the day you close your eyes and utter a simple prayer of thanks

It's okay to be in love

It's okay to feel like you are absolutely failing in life

It's okay to be wrong

It's okay to ask questions

It's okay to change your mind

It's okay to be different

It's okay  to be passionate

It's okay to listen

It's okay to want to feel a part of something

It's okay to ask for help

It's okay because you are enough

Ducks in a Row

I was talking to a friend today in my office and said, "Well, when you get all your ducks in a row—a co-worker poked his head in at that moment and said, "Make sure they are your ducks!"

Independent vs. Dependent

It seems strange to me that there are men out there that want to have a submissive, docile, train-them-as-they-go, dependent wife. I know this is true, and okay.  I know there are men who want to exert their manliness in their marriage and home. I know there are women who are perfectly happy following their lead. I know this but it's hard for me to wrap my head around.

I have been and am currently blessed to be surrounded by independent, strong, opinionated, forward thinking, headstrong, educated women in my life. So when the topic came up about dating a submissive/docile woman vs. a headstrong/independent women it got my mind reeling.

I grew up in a home where my parents, in my eyes, seems to equally work in our home. If mom made dinner—dad did the dishes. My dad may have been the primary breadwinner but my mother has kept up her teaching/licensing and is a substitute teacher when she wants.  My mom runs the money and the house. My dad plays a significant spiritual role. This was not the pattern of either of their parents.

I have 2 beautiful, brilliant, talented sisters who are married and they are both independent, headstrong, opinionated, powerful, fierce women. They love their husbands and respect them. Their husbands encourage them to be their best selves. Neither of these men married submissive, docile wives, and neither of them are any less manly as a result. In fact, I find I respect and love them more for their ability to blow wind in the sails of my sisters.

 I've learned a few things along the way of how to date, love, empower, etc. an independent headstrong women from awesome examples, like my mom and sisters, in my life.

• Don't make decisions for her. She has worked hard, done the research, and has her own opinion. Instead ask her.
• She may be strong and independent but that doesn't mean she doesn't need a place to be weak and fall apart. Allow her that space. Take her in your arms, talk to her, and listen. She never feels more loved then when she can be vulnerable and strong at the same time.
• It is far better to understand than to be understood.
• It is possible for you to be a gentleman without being patronizing
• When you encourage her to be independent, strong, have opinions, it will not diminish your strength, power, or role as a man.
• "Intimidating" women love to relax, feel comfortable, take off their heels, put away the days work, put their hair in a messy bun or ponytail, and still feel sexy. How a man makes her feel in these moments matter.
• It is okay for you to talk to her about things that hurt you about her independence or strong will. It is okay if you want to serve her or give her things, or if you just want to be the strong one for a while.
• It might be hard to get a strong independent women but the work will be worth it once you climb those walls.
• Listen. Invest. Be present. You just might be blown away by her heart and mind.

Story Time: Richard

01.14.09
Cape Coast
Ghana, West Africa


"...I unloaded my things, put on my swimsuit & headed to the coast/beach to swim. I went expecting to really dive in & swim but didn't. I mostly just stood where I had sure footing & let the waves hit me. The under current was too strong & the riptide too dangerous to go swimming. Along the way I befriended Richard & he watched my stuff, smoked pot, listened to music through his headphones, while I played in the VERY salty ocean."


At the end of very long and very hot day in Ghana I was ready to relax. I dropped my stuff off at a small hotel and ran to the beach. I had a few things I dropped in the sand but couldn't go too far into the water without worrying about my stuff. And that was when I met Richard. I kept coming out of the water to check on my things and after the 3rd time or so he told me he would keep an eye on my stuff. Honestly, I didn't know if I would see my stuff again but I trusted him and ran off into the water.


After a long time of playing in the ocean I came back for my things. There was Richard just kickin' it, smoking pot, listening to his tunes, and keeping an eye on my stuff. I gathered my stuff, thanked him, and started to walk back to my hostel. Richard started walking with me.  He asked if he could buy me a drink. I politely refused. He asked why. I said I don't drink and he couldn't believe it. He asked me if I smoke, gesturing to share his joint. I said no. He threw it on the ground and smashed it.


Then he asked me all sorts of questions about why I don't drink or smoke. We talked about my beliefs for a bit and he continued to walk with me. I told him he didn't need to walk me all the way but he insisted. I asked him about his family and he told me they were all dead—that he was alone in the world. He said he makes and sells things on the street to live but that he makes good money and not to worry about him. He told me that "Life is good, God is great, and all my needs are taken care of." Even though he was completely high I couldn't help but smile at his faith. When I inquired more about his family he told me he didn't want to talk about such dark things. "Some things are better left in the past."


After walking a bit more he asked if he could come up to my room. I, wanting to understand his intentions, asked, "Why?". He laughed this jolly big laugh that filled the air around us. I'll never forget his crooked smile when he said, "Let me guess you don't do that either?" I laughed with him and said no. He was very polite and respectful and asked more questions about my beliefs. We sat on a random curb and shared beliefs.


He shared that he thought life was better when he was high because he didn't have to feel pain or joy because they were mirrors of each other. He liked to stay safe and somewhere in the middle. I shared with him my feelings about touring the slave castles earlier that day. It got dark and I was tired so I said goodbye to my new friend Richard. He handed me a bracelet he had made and told me it was free. I thanked him again and he walked away.


Thank you Richard for watching my stuff on the beach. Thank you for the bracelet. Thank you for your kindness and open heart. Thank you for sharing some of your story. But mostly, thank you for reminding me that, "Life is good, God is great, and all my needs are taken care of."

The Art of Self Sabatoge

I was huddled in a corner of the SDSU track field (above a parking garage) in torrential rain and strong gusts of wind trying to figure out when my sister was going to be doing Triple Jump for UVU. I was on the phone w/ my mom and she was telling me that Alexa's coaches wanted her to scratch out of Triple Jump. I was confused and upset.

Then I spoke with a friend of hers and he told me that Ali best triple jump is around 36 and SDSU's sand pit is around 36. So her coaches wanted her to scratch b/c if she doesn't PR (jump the best she has ever) she won't even make the sand. My sister heard what they said and decided to jump anyway. I looked at her friend and asked him why? He smiled at me and said, "Kylee, she knows that in order to make the sand she will PR and that will force her to jump her best."

It was like a light exploded in my head. I have been thinking a lot about self sabotage, limiting ourselves, etc. I have talked with a lot of my friends who are trying to figure out things in their lives (and mine). It seems that they are almost afraid to be successful. They don't know how to live their dreams. They are so quick to limit what they are capable of doing to what they are familiar with.

I have been thinking lately of how I am looking down the triple jump lane in my life. Do I see the sand and fear the gap or do I see the sand and have faith that I will make it?

Room To Grow

"I had become a new person; and those who knew the old person laughed at me. The only man who behaved sensibly was my tailor: he took my measure anew every time he saw me, whilst all the rest went in with their old measurements and expected them to fit me." (George bernard Shaw (1856-1950) Man and Superman, 1903.)

People change. I am grateful that I am not the same person I was 10 years ago. I liked me 10 years ago but life has taught me much since then. I wonder though how forgiving I am of those I knew 10 years ago? Do I "measure them anew" when I see them again. Do I allow them space and room to grow, change?


Like life, people don't stay static. Challenges and heartache carve out holes in their hearts and triumphs and miracles build muscle. The heart of someone you once knew is not the same heart today. 


I know I need to be better at allowing people room to grow as I hope they will allow me the same.

Story Time: Delores, The Lady On The Corner

When I was living in Boston, MA as an AmeriCorp V.I.S.TA. I would often walk around downtown during my lunch break. I would walk around the Public Gardens or the Boston Common. Some days I would walk down to the water and eat my lunch overlooking the Harbor. No matter when I went for lunch I noticed this homeless lady standing on the corner, the same corner, every day.

She wasn't pan handling or even begging—I don't really know what she did there. I remember the day that snuck into my mind. I didn't know her. I didn't know what she did, where she came from, what her story was that led her to the corner. Most importantly, I didn't know her name.  I had been cordial to her in the past saying hi or good day. I think I even gave her a few bucks now and again but it wasn't the same.

One day I was determined to get to know the lady on the corner. When it came time for lunch I mossied on over to her corner and introduced myself. I asked her name and she smiled her almost toothless grin and said, "My name is Delores, but you can call me D—everybody does." Delores noticed my lunch and told me that if I was going to talk to her I might as well share my lunch. I laughed and let her pick through my lunch and take what she liked. Then we talked about perfectly random things.

Delores asked me if I wanted to buy a newspaper from her. I asked about the newspaper and she told me about Spare Change, a newspaper written & sold by the homeless in Boston. She bought each paper for 25¢ and sold them for $1. She let me know that a few weeks ago they ran an article she wrote. I bought a paper from her and she was done talking with me.

I took my newspaper and what was left over of my lunch and sat down at the base of the fountain in Boston Common, near the beginning of the Freedom Trail. I couldn't help but be grateful for talking to Delores.

Story Collector

In my life I have collected a few things such as postcards and angels but nothing for too long or on a regular basis—except for stories.

The other day a friend of mine called me a Story Collector and I loved it. He said that I seemed to love listening to people tell their life stories—that there is something about me that just compels them to share. He is right. I love to hear people tell their stories and can't wait to find the right moment to sit down and hear someone's story.

Everyone has a story but they are seldom asked to share it. I am continually amazed at what people will share when given the opportunity and listening ears.

I decided that I am going to start sharing some of the stories I have collected over the years.  Stay tuned for a series of simple, raw, unique, honest stories. I hope you enjoy reading about real people who have shared their experiences and stories with me.

This series of stories will be called, Story Time.

My New Obsession

For Christmas my mom gave me a Kindle. I wasn't expecting it and wondered if I would use it much. I really like the feel of a real book. I also got an Amazon gift card at Christmas. I had no idea that these two gifts would soon fuel my new obsession.

One day I "liked" TED on Facebook. Inspired by my sister, Chelsea Shields Strayer, who gave a TED talk in India. I had no idea what that would lead to. Just like in the book, "If You Give A Mouse A Cookie," one thing has led to the next.

I watched this TED talk by Shawn Achor
 I wanted to learn more about Positive Psychology and Happiness so I bought his book (on my Kindle w/gift card), "The Happiness Advantage."

 Then a few days went by and another TED talk caught my eye in my FB newsfeed so I check it out...

 I watched this TED talk by Susan Cain
 I loved it so much I couldn't help but buy her book (on my Kindle w/gift card), "Quiet." I also discovered that I think I'm an Ambivert.

No friends, it is not Pinterest, but I am nervous about this trend.

Long Enough To Work

Recently, I was asked a question I've been asked at least 13 times (that was for you Brandon) okay more like a hundred. "So what do you want in a relationship?" Usually I just say something like a good man who loves me and I love him. I don't go into too much detail. I was never a list maker when I was young, I don't really have a type. I have dated a variety of guys across the spectrum.


However, this time I was asked a new answer bubbled to the surface and came out of my mouth. I said something to the fact that I want to be in a relationship long enough to get to the point where we have to work.


I love love. I am a super fan of people actually finding another person who loves them and the love is returned. I love the feelings that you get in the beginning of a relationship—when you are unsure of everything but feeling so much. I love the "honeymoon" stage of a relationship where you look past another's flaws and focus on the here and now.


 BUT...


The part of the relationship I love the most is when all of that is over, when the friends/roommates aren't around, when it just the two of you and you have concerns, issues, red flags, to discuss. I love those raw, real, moments of communication. I love them because being willing to work with someone in a relationship means you truly love them. It is easy to quite. It is easy to walk away. It is easy to shine the light on someone else' flaws in order to feel better about leaving.


Working on a relationship means it is worth working on. To me, these days, that is what I am most looking for in a relationship—the work!

Lizard Lips & Hippos Tongues

I have a weird mom.

She likes it best that way.  Let me explain:

When I was a kid she would sing and dance in the kitchen while making us food. We would always ask what we were going to have for dinner and she would say, "Lizard Lipps & Hippos Tongues." To this day I don't know if it was to be funny or if it was because she had no idea what she was going to make for dinner.  As she continued to sing and dance we would get all embarrassed (we secretly love it!) and tell her to stop being so weird. She would keep singing and tell us, "You don't want a normal mom. Everyone has a normal mom." And she was right.

Thanks for being the perfect amount of weird mom!

Some Things Just Take Time

"A Russian team discovered a seed cache of Silene stenophylla, a flowering plant native to Siberia, that had been buried by an Ice Age squirrel near the banks of the Kolyma River (map). Radiocarbon dating confirmed that the seeds were 32,000 years old."

I recently read an article about a 32, 000-year-old plant that was brought to life. Isn't she beautiful?


Once I saw a picture of her I couldn't seem to get her out of my mind and then she weaselled her way into my heart. I kept thinking about how amazing it was that seeds would be found, nourished, fed, taken care of, and then 32,000 years later grow into a beautiful white plant.


In a world that is so focused on the here and now this little fighter plant is a reminder that some things just take time.


Healing hurts and takes time


Love grows or diminishes over time


Friendships are born out of time shared


I am grateful to that little Ice Age squirrel who buried the seeds of this beautiful plant. Silene is a reminder to me that some things just take time.

Date A Girl Who Writes

This blog was inspired by these blog posts: "Date a girl who reads", "Date an Entrepreneur"

Date a girl who writes. Date a girl who spends her money on pens, paper, and books rather than fancy-dancy clothes or expensive makeup. Date a girl who writes because she has a wonderful vocabulary but doesn't make you feel dumb.

Find a girl who loves paper. She writes on a computer for convenience but she prefers paper. She has cards ready on hand in her purse and loves to leaves a trail of notes wherever she goes. She is the one who is writing letters—the old fashion way of pen to paper, and sending them in the mail. She is a girl who owns a typewriter to actually use instead of admire.

Because she is a writer she is also well read. She knows that good writers are good readers. You will notice she always has a book in her bag next to her current writing notebook. Date a writer because all her books have dog-eared marked up pages with notes written in the margins that you secretly want to read. She is the one who doodles ideas on scraps of paper, napkins, and is always telling you her new story plot and fanciful ideas. You can find her at Bookstores lost in thought as she is doing research on what books are selling, what is the current YA trend, and trying hard to resist buying one more book she doesn't need.

Date the girl who is reading a book with all sorts of notebooks spread out around her. Sit by her, she might not notice at first, but challenge her with real questions and real desire to understand her world. Ask her about her book characters, the book(s) she is currently reading and share your favorite books. Challenge her on her ideas.

It is easy to date a girl who writes. Give her a book, notebook, gift card to a bookstore for her birthday, for Christmas, and anniversaries. Give her the gift of words in poetry, in song, in a simple letter. Give her Mary Oliver, Poe, Emerson, Rilke, any book on writing. "Let her know that you understand that words are love." Understand that she knows the difference between creating a world and the reality she lives. She will try to live her stories or fix her life problems through her characters and if you're lucky you will be privy to her sacred tears and triumphs in the process.

Let her really know how you feel about poetry, syntax, words, blogs. Don't be afraid when she wanders from reality to a place where she is generative, creative, and other worldly—she will wander back to reality.

Date a girl who writes because there is nothing like it. You will find she brings light, joy, and color into your life. If you want a safe half lived life filled with dull moments and splashes of color walk away from a writer. "If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who [writes]."

If you find a girl who writes keep her close. When you see her eyes glaze over and she is scrambling for something to write down a new idea—be patient. She doesn't know any better way to capture the stories, worlds, characters that are running around rampant in her head. When she is up at 2am writing furiously or crying over a book she can't stop reading, make her a cup of tea and hold her.  She may talk to you about her characters and their story, as if they are real, because to her they are. "You may lose her for a few hours but she will always come back to you."

It's okay to fail a writer because she knows that failures lead to triumphs, that after the climax comes the denouement, that sometimes the story ends...but sometimes there is a sequel. She knows that life is full of heroes and villains and patterns hers after those who have affected her life. It is also okay for you to be her hero and give her plenty of fodder for her next novel. Don't be too worried or scared of being perfect. Girls who write understand character development and the idea that flaws make for better full rounded characters.

Marry a writer because you can't imagine spending you time with anyone else. Because your heart is ready to burst and bleed out all over the floor when she gives you that look. Marry a writer because even is she never gets published you will never have worry about life being boring or lack for entertainment. Together you will write the story of your lives and sometimes you will use paper.

Love a writer because she will introduce your children to "Green Eggs and Ham", "Boxcar Children", and Shell Silverstein. She will play tinker toys, Lego's, and build castles out of blocks while introducing to them the idea of creating stories and using their imagination.  She will whisper poetry in your ear at the right time and will always be able to keep herself busy.

Find, date, marry, and love a writer because with her you will live a thousand lives, dream a million dreams, and never lack for a story.

What Does Your Trash Say About You?

Last night I had an interesting conversation with the guy who empties out the office trash cans. I said, "Please don't judge me by my trash." He laughed and told me that he learns a lot about people from their trash. He shared some examples of my co-workers.  In the office one co-worker's trash is full of sticky notes, one has apple cores, banana peels,  one has tissues, mine always has fast food from my lunches.

It was interesting to think about what my trash says about me....

Amalgamation or Absence?

Does is seem strange to anyone else that to the world I'm (enter any single person) am an amalgamation of all I've done, accomplished, been,seen—yet to the people in my propinquity I'm the absence of all that. I am only what I'm not—not attached (married or dating)?

"...Life Makes Love Look Hard..."

To the hopeless singles out there:


Recently, one of my friends said that he has a hard time believing in love.  A few months ago another friend of mine said he had little hope in relationships . They, and so many others, are thwarted and bombarded on every side with relationships that fail, divorce, and walls you have to climb just to get into a relationship.


I was listening to Taylor Swift's song, "Ours" and these words hit home, "So don't you worry your pretty little mind. People throw rocks at things that shine. And life makes love look hard. The stakes are high, the water's rough. But this love is ours."


And so I started thinking about those couples out there that I know are making it happen in their life and in their love. I, of course, would be remiss if I didn't mention my amazing parents, who, although they don't have a prefect marriage, have loved each other for more than 33 years! To me they are a great example of the power of love. So without further ado, here are 3 couples I wanted to give a shout-out to because their love has greatly affected my life!


Kevin & Sarah Lewis:
This week my friends Kevin & Sarah celebrate their 11 years of marriage. I am so proud and happy for them.  They have 3 beautiful and loved children. Things did not start out all roses and easy for them but they worked on their love and their marriage and their little family. they are a great example to me of what real love is like. Love takes time, work, lots of laughter, even more love, listening, sharing experiences, and starting it all over again each day. Thank you Kevin & Sarah for showing others that it can be done and done well!

Timothy & Katasha Connor:
The Connors hold a special place in my heart. They are fierce example of love and its persistance & patience. Tash & Tim didn't have the typical short mormon engagement followed by the whirlwind wedding. They worked on themselves, on their love for each other, and they worked with God to make sure everything and everyone was ready for the journey they were about to embark upon. They just recently had a handsome little baby boy and if you can't tell in the picture below, they are bursting with joy! These two not only work on their love but they work together in business as amazing photographers. You should check out their website: Infinity Imagery & their FB Page.  Thanks Katasha & Timothy for being an example of what true love looks like!

Rick & Lauren Enochs:
Lauren has been a friend of mine since high school. I don't think anyone should ever have to go through what she has in her lifetime. She fell in love, got married, and then had to watch the lover of her life die a terrible and painful death in front of her eyes. Only she knows the hell that ensued following that tragedy in her life. If ever there was a person who should hate the idea of love it would be her. Instead, like the warrior and champion she is she chose to love again.  I don't know much about her husband Rick but I know that he is married to one of my favorite people in the world. I will love him forever for loving her!  Thanks Lauren & Rick for showing others the healing power of love, that no matter what life throws at you love is stronger! Lauren is also an amazing photographer so check out her stuff on her Website.

RE: All Good Things Come In Threes

There is something about trios that makes the world a better place.  Think about it: Wilson & Phillips, Toy Story I, II, III, 3 coins in a fountain, 3 french hens, 3 little pigs, 3 bears in Goldilocks, 3 blind mice, 3 wise men...This is the story of 3 guys who made a difference in my life!

The names of the benefactors will be withheld for their protection. It is important to note that gifts are not my love language so these 3 men went out of their way to be unique and awesome! 

Boyfriend 1 gave me California lemons.  One day he randomly asked me, "Kylee, what is your favorite smell?" I had never been asked that before and had to think for a few minutes. After a while I told him I loved the smell of Lemon Trees in San Diego (where I served my LDS mission) and the smell of Jasmine bushes. He smiled and that was that—or so I thought.  Due to his job he travelled out of state/country a lot. A few weeks later he surprised me with this leaf plate of fresh picked lemons from a tree in California. What an amazing and thoughtful gift!

Note to Self: Take the time to listen and ask great questions and you will find some of the best gifts lie in those answers.

Boyfriend 2 gave me a game and tattoos.  I was on my way to Ghana, West Africa. He wanted to give me something as a farewell gift. He brought over this amazing Safari game that he and his younger brothers/cousins/etc helped him make. There were toy safari animals and paper rivers/lakes, toilet paper holder binoculars, safari-African tattoos, and so much more. It was incredible. It was so cute and took a lot of time.  It was very thoughtful.

(Thanks Google Images)

Note to Self: Truly, sometimes the best gifts are handmade.

Boyfriend 3 gave me a park. Well, technically the park isn't mine. It was just a normal day but he knew that things had gotten a little crazy for me at work. We were driving around and then I noticed we were heading to my office. I was curious what we were doing as we drove by the office. Then he stopped the car and lead me to this little park around the corner. We sat on the swings, laughed, talked, and had a blast. He knew I love to swing on swings and they relax me. So he thought it would be good for me to know that anytime I wanted to leave work I could walk around the corner and swing.  I still go there on rough days. The thing is I had worked at my office for almost 4 months and never knew about that park.  I'm grateful he listened, knew what I needed, and gave me that park!

(Thanks Google Images)

Note to Self: The best gifts in life are free!

I know for some of you it will be hard but please refrain from asking me why I am not still dating any of these amazing men...instead pay it forward to someone you love!

More Than Enough Love

I started to feel sorry for myself a bit tonight (I've think I've earned a small pity party) but then I was overwhelmed with love. While I may not have romantic love this Valentine's Day I have more than enough love in my life. I imagine when I was in Heaven I told God I could handle just about anything if He was sure to surround me with love.

Love will come.

Tonight I'm grateful for those who love me and for those who let me love them!

Happy Valentine's Day!

2 New Wicked Awesome Places!!

Recently 2 people I love introduced me to 2 places I now love! The first place is called Gangplank and William Brian Cobb introduced it to me. The second place is called Changing Hands Bookstore and Hillary Anne Clemens introduced it to me.

Check out their website to learn the ins & outs of Gangplank. For me it was a place where like-minded people could roam around. I love every minute of it. I even like walking across the street b/c when you push a button the street lights up along the cross walk.  At Gangplank they have 25¢ soda, old school video games, and presentations (TED style).

There are these collaborate free work spaces. Some start-ups pay for space but mostly you just come and use space.

you can print 3D objects

Everyone has postcard and sticky notes up everywhere

You get to write your name on this card and pick it up everytime you come. I thought it boring to use my normal name and decided on the name Lola....("whatever Lola wants, Lola gets")

This bookstore was overwhelming (in a delightful way) to me. I need to go back and take it in sections. I didn't even really get to the book b/c there was so much eye candy to get through before the books. I did, however, when I was overwhelmed, stop over at the awesome music store next door.

They have all kinds of cards, posters, wall hangings

crazy little things like these

pottery, decorative boxes, etc

metal things, wind chimes, etc

Be whatever you want to be hat rack

Hil wants to be a space cadet

DIY: Chalkboard Update

This is what my Chalkboard Wall looks like now. I LOVE it!

New Friends

I have always thought is kind of mystical or magical making new friends—not just any new friend(s)—the ones you can't believe you haven't had your whole life.

You meet them and it's almost like your souls were friends for a long time before you met. You just get each other.

A few weeks or months go by and someone asks you how you met and it's a little hazy because although you've only been friends for a short time it seems like it's been years.  You both laugh and try to tell the story of when you first actually met but cant really remember.

It's amazing, incredible, and life changing. I am fortunate to have had this happen a few times in my life. It never gets old!

"Bringing Sexy Back"

I love this for many reasons! I love it because it's true no matter how much media and the world try to tell/show us otherwise. I love it because it's real. I love it because it's being said by a prominent figure who understands her influence on others (even if it comes out that she never even said this.)

The other day I was talking to someone about dating/relationships etc.  We were joking around, swapping dating stories, and then someone said something, I think in jest, that I've actually been told (also mostly in jest) before...."Well, maybe if you just lower your standards or dress sexier then you would attract more men."

The first thing that came to my mind was you are right. It probably is true that I would attract more men but that is not what I want. I only need one man.  And while I hope he finds me sexy It won't be because I've lowered my standards or used my body as a sex object. It will be because I have self respect & self love!

Happy 6th Birthday Blog!

How Do You Like Your Eggs?

There is a scene from the movie, "Runaway Bride" that I use to sometimes to help people figure out who they are or who they want to become. Here is part of the scene:

Later Maggie will make all kinds of eggs, try them all, and then choose the kind she likes.

Maggie Carpenter: Benedict.
Ike Graham: Arnold.
Maggie Carpenter: I love Eggs Benedict, I hate every other kind. I hate big weddings with everybody staring. I'd like to get married on a weekday while everybody's at work. And when I ride off into the sunset, I want my own horse.
Ike Graham: Should I be writing this down?

Often I talk with teenagers and their parents or just friends of mine and what they really want, what they are really needing, is to find out who they are—or to rediscover themselves. They need to try the eggs and find the ones they like. Some how they have lost themselves in all the fighting, trying to live, dealing with things (sound familiar??)

When was the last time you did something just for yourself?

"Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close"

Today I went to see, "Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close" and around every bend of the movie I wanted more. I wanted to hear every characters story. I wanted to sit and just be with the main character. I wanted to hold the hand of the mother and catch her tears. I wanted to exchange notes with the man who was mute. I wanted more. I found myself entranced by the cinematography, then colors, the characters, and of course, the story.

I found myself grieving during the movie and long after. I found myself thinking of my brother Grant. I started thinking about writing a book that was simply a collection of stories—living breathing stories.

I cried. I don't do that a lot in movies, but I did. Not only that but I was still crying on my way out of the theater. I didn't care that people were looking at me. I didn't care that it was only a movie. I simply lived in the moment and for the moment I needed to cry.

This is what an extremely moving and incredibly creative movie can do to the human spirit!

ANASAZI: The Lost Boys

Yesterday I talked with an Anasazi Lost Boy in my office for a few minutes. I had met him before but wasn't quite sure if he was a Lost Boy. After listening to him tell of his travels and wanderlust for a few minutes I knew he was a true blue Lost Boy.

You might be wondering what I'm talking about—and yes I'm referring to the Peter Pan lost boys—but with an Anasazi twist. Let's start at the beginning...

My first day out on the "trail" working for Anasazi was incredible! I was driven in a vehicle to the middle of nowhere, hiked to where the "bands" of TrailWalkers and YoungWalkers were, sat, ate, and talked with them for a while. The first 2 people I met were these blonde-haired-bearded-happy-as-can-be Lost Boys TrailWalkers. They welcomed me into their band—no questions asked—and I knew, right then, I would love my job!

I would go on to date one of those Lost Boys and the other would give me the spoon I still eat with on the trail today. They would make me laugh, do their job in only a way each of them could, and then go and live adventures off the trail. I consider them incredible men and am grateful their friendship. And this is how it goes at Anasazi. Every time an Anasazi Lost Boy shows up, whether it's his first time coming to Anasazi, or his 6th year on & off, I can't wait to hear his story.

Each Anasazi Lost Boy has some scruff, a beard (or one in making), his own unique personality, and a story to rival most people. He has been on many adventures, his heart has been broken, and you can feel that every experience has led him to the man he is becoming. I get so excited to meet new Lost Boys and my heart breaks when they say goodbye.

There was one Anasazi Lost Boy whom I loved almost the moment I met him. He was big and burly. His hair was crazy (and just gets crazier by the day), his beard grew long, and loved to carry a knife w/him wherever he went. These were cool things about him but the thing I instantly noticed and love about him is his heart. His heart no only loves but listens. It is rare to find someone with a listening heart. He has sat with me many times and held my tears and his heart listened to mine. For this and many more reasons I love this Anasazi Lost Boy! Oh, he has crazy stories in his past, he has wandered on the land, but some how he found his way to Anasazi—home of the Lost Boys.

Recently, I went to lunch with 2 Anasazi Lost Boys. They no longer work on the trail, have cut their hair, are going to school, and all other sorts of big boy things but...they are still Anasazi Lost Boys to me! I sat there picturing them all dirty, scruffy, eating mad dog, drinking stream water, and tending to the fire. I am grateful these Lost Boys are my friends.

And so to all the Anasazi Lost Boys whom I love, and those I have yet to meet, I just want you to know that I adore you. I love your stories. I love your scraggly hair and beards. I love your willingness to be at the right place, for the right reason, at the right time. But mostly, I love your hearts!

...But I Prefer Not To Be

It is only fair in response to my blog post, "I'd Rather Be Alone" to write the other side of the coin. While I learned and continue to learn how to be happy and single the truth is—I prefer not to be.

I have never been a big dater. Never one of those girls who got asked out a lot. Don't get me wrong I've had my fair share of dates—good & bad. As a result I haven't had a lot of boyfriends in my 16 years of dating (oh my heavens that is a lot of years of dating—blah).

Some of my boyfriends broke up with me but most I broke up with them. Some ended on amicable terms and some not so much. When I look back over my relationships I've been a part of—some romantic and some best friends—there are some small, yet significant, things I miss a lot when I'm single.

One of my boyfriends used to twist my ring in circles when he was holding my hand.

One time I told my best guy friend that he couldn't talk to me at during the week of finals (I needed to focus and got a little crazy around finals). I got home from school and there was a beautiful bouquet of roses on the table from him. He was just letting me know he cared and wished me well on my finals.

One of my boyfriends could sit with me and laugh, talk, tell stories, for hours. We didn't need to be "doing" something all the time. We thoroughly entertained ourselves.

One of best guy friends had this ability to be so present. He was an incredible listener. I learned to be okay with silence around him.

I had a boyfriend who loved to take walks with me. Sometimes he would hold my hand but other times he would just walk next to me and we would talk.

One of my best guy friends would sit down at the piano and sing with me for hours. It didn't matter how bad the day was once we got singing, and his family would join us, life was better.

These are just a few but I'm sure you get the point and relate in your own way.

When I'm single I miss physical touch. I miss having someone who is invested in me. I miss laughing—the kind you do with someone you feel comfortable with. I miss just being with someone and not needing to say anything. I miss having someone to report to at the end of the day. I miss having a partner in crime or someone with whom to schedule events. I miss being invested in them. I miss finding ways to make them smile, small gifts that matter to them. I miss getting all dressed/dolled up for date nights. There's a lot of things I miss being single.

So lest anyone reading my blog think I am pro single and anti relationship I hope this post helped clarify.

Why I Try Not To Come To Utah

In the short amount of time I have been in UT I have been bombarded by lovely, sappy, in-love super young, couples (some w/adorable cute clothed kiddos). I try really hard to smile, tell myself it's okay that I'm single (you're getting a book published—be happy) but alas...REALLY!!!

They make it look so easy here. It just seems that everyone's doing it. Seriously, find your one true love, get married, have kids—easy peasy. I start to wonder if it's in the water, something in the cold air...I don't know but it makes me almost believe that it just happens here...ha ha.

So, to ease my mind and heart I listen to the 2 songs on repeat A LOT!

I'd Rather Be Alone

A friend of mine wrote an awesome post on his Blog called, "Marrying to be Married." You should read it. He got the idea for his blog post from reading this Blog post titled, "Are you fighting for your marriage or for me?" This post is also an excellent read. Both Blog posts inspired me to write my own version

I'd rather be alone then be someone's trophy.

I'd rather be alone then be a placeholder

I'd rather be alone then stay in a relationship I know I need to end

I'd rather be alone then feel like I need to be self deprecating in order to get a compliment

I'd rather be alone...

I haver learned a few things from my many years of dating. One of the lessons I've learned is that I would rather be alone then be in a relationship that's okay or a marriage out of convenience. Relationships and marriage are work. I want to work with someone who wants to work with me—not against me or for me.

Mannadarlin wrote on her blog, the post I mentioned above, something I believe whole heartedly:"But there is something special about fighting for a person rather than fighting against losing a placeholder like a girlfriend/boyfriend or even just someone to spend time with in your life."

I have lived and seen this in relationships. Sometimes the fear of being alone is stronger than the knowledge or the spiritual promptings you are receiving to get out of a relationship. On the other hand I have been privy and have seen where people, out of fear, aren't willing to fight hard enough for a person in their relationship. Like most things in life—balance is best.

There is no room in this world to settle. No need to lower my standards, my expectations, my hopes, dreams, desires. I know they are not unrealistic so I would rather be alone until they are met!

My friend Daniel wrote on his Blog, also mentioned above, something that is also so very true: "When we finish a relationship, we are often distraught that we are are doomed to futher singledom. But, this is not the case. If the relationship ended, then you weren't meant to be married, and you're overall happier than you would be otherwise. Take everything from your failed relationships, square your shoulders, thank God for your life and health, and then face your next relationship with optimism and hope."

I have found that my best break-ups (though painful) were when I gave it all I had. I dug in. I was myself, weaknesses and all, I listened, I learned, I laughed, I shared, I worked on things I didn't do so well, and so forth. Then, when things didn't go as planned I walked away with my head held high.

I spent a few day crying or moping around—sure (that is healthy) but I didn't beat myself up or wonder unending about what I could have done differently, questioning my weight, my flaws, etc. When it was time I asked my ex-boyfriend what I could have done differently. When it was time I forgave him and myself. When it was time I realized we weren't the best for each other or I put my trust in God that things would work out.

When you are a healthy, whole person and enter a healthy relationship then you can give and take in an amazing manner. Then when you break up it isn't life shattering. You can learn, let go, and move on. You are better for your next relationship.

My Book is getting PUBLISHED!!

For more information check out my Writing Blog!

2011 in Review

2011 had its ups and downs.

Here is the year in review in not particular order:

Got 2 new jobs: Anasazi & E3 Imagine

Went to the Renaissance Festival

Got 2 Henna Tattoos

Went to the World Fest (Beer Fest)

Did a Walk for the America Liver Foundation

Went to Girls Camp

Cut bangs

Kissed a Cowboy

Did the Elpha Challenge

Started a Writing Blog

Re-did my room

Walked into a glass door

Finished writing a book

Painted a Chalkboard Wall

Wicked awesome "Suckerpunch" Halloween costumes w/ the roommates

Slide Rock in Sedona, AZ

I'm looking forward to this next year. I have created a special "Make it Happen" blog for the next year of my life. On this blog you can find my New Year's Resolutions or 32 goals that I want to make happen this next year!

I hope you have an opportunity to thank and love those who make a difference in your life. Here's to the next year! Happy New Years!