"Fear ye not, stand still and see the salvation of the Lord...The Lord shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace." (Exodus 14: 13-14)
"Lead, kindly Light, amid th’encircling gloom, lead Thou me on! The night is dark, and I am far from home; lead Thou me on! Keep Thou my feet; I do not ask to see the distant scene; one step enough for me." (Hymn #97)
"Lord, I believe; help Thou mine unbelief." (Matthew 9:24)
"Be not afraid, only believe." (Mark 5:36)
You can probably see the pattern. I have been lacking faith and patience in my own life. As a therapist I spend my days listening to others peoples problems, sorrows, etc. I try to exhort patience, empathy, sympathy, and a listening ear. When I get home and need to deal with my personal life I find I have no patience left for myself. I wrestling with the Lord and want Him to make things happen in my life that I think will make me happy.
I want a regular, adult-like job, where I get paid a salary and I don't have to scrip to pay my rent and feed myself. I want a man in my life who wants to be with me, who I confide in, who will protect me from the world, and listen to my heart. I want the Lord to fix/stop the hurting hearts of those around me that I adore. I have the hardest time watching people I love suffer.
After I have thrashed around enough with God and I'm exhausted the above words come to my heart and mind. I KNOW of their truth and comfort but for whatever reason I can't seem to let them in. To borrow a phrase from one of my mentors (Chris Wallace)—I have "Fractured Faith."
I don't want that kind of faith. I want the faith that moves mountains, parts the sea, closes the mouths of lions, and raises people from the dead. I want a Fortress of Faith! I want to be believing. I want to be patient. I want to be happy with one step of light ahead of me instead of wanting the entire path to be lit. So I been really trying to be present in my life. I have tried really hard to be vulnerable, open, honest, and more patient with myself. I continue to fail but try again.
To help I decided to start what I call a Patience Project.
My patience project is about time I set aside for me. It is time I let other things drop out of my life. It is time to be creative and practice patience. Don't get me wrong this puzzle is also frustrating to me. The puzzle I chose is 87% blue pieces and I have no idea how I am going to put it together but I always remind myself, like life, one piece at a time, one step at a time. When it gets too frustrating I leave it alone next to my bed and do something else. But lately, I find myself more and more comfortable sitting down with my patience project puzzle.