Happy 6th Birthday Blog!

How Do You Like Your Eggs?

There is a scene from the movie, "Runaway Bride" that I use to sometimes to help people figure out who they are or who they want to become. Here is part of the scene:

Later Maggie will make all kinds of eggs, try them all, and then choose the kind she likes.

Maggie Carpenter: Benedict.
Ike Graham: Arnold.
Maggie Carpenter: I love Eggs Benedict, I hate every other kind. I hate big weddings with everybody staring. I'd like to get married on a weekday while everybody's at work. And when I ride off into the sunset, I want my own horse.
Ike Graham: Should I be writing this down?

Often I talk with teenagers and their parents or just friends of mine and what they really want, what they are really needing, is to find out who they are—or to rediscover themselves. They need to try the eggs and find the ones they like. Some how they have lost themselves in all the fighting, trying to live, dealing with things (sound familiar??)

When was the last time you did something just for yourself?

"Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close"

Today I went to see, "Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close" and around every bend of the movie I wanted more. I wanted to hear every characters story. I wanted to sit and just be with the main character. I wanted to hold the hand of the mother and catch her tears. I wanted to exchange notes with the man who was mute. I wanted more. I found myself entranced by the cinematography, then colors, the characters, and of course, the story.

I found myself grieving during the movie and long after. I found myself thinking of my brother Grant. I started thinking about writing a book that was simply a collection of stories—living breathing stories.

I cried. I don't do that a lot in movies, but I did. Not only that but I was still crying on my way out of the theater. I didn't care that people were looking at me. I didn't care that it was only a movie. I simply lived in the moment and for the moment I needed to cry.

This is what an extremely moving and incredibly creative movie can do to the human spirit!

ANASAZI: The Lost Boys

Yesterday I talked with an Anasazi Lost Boy in my office for a few minutes. I had met him before but wasn't quite sure if he was a Lost Boy. After listening to him tell of his travels and wanderlust for a few minutes I knew he was a true blue Lost Boy.

You might be wondering what I'm talking about—and yes I'm referring to the Peter Pan lost boys—but with an Anasazi twist. Let's start at the beginning...

My first day out on the "trail" working for Anasazi was incredible! I was driven in a vehicle to the middle of nowhere, hiked to where the "bands" of TrailWalkers and YoungWalkers were, sat, ate, and talked with them for a while. The first 2 people I met were these blonde-haired-bearded-happy-as-can-be Lost Boys TrailWalkers. They welcomed me into their band—no questions asked—and I knew, right then, I would love my job!

I would go on to date one of those Lost Boys and the other would give me the spoon I still eat with on the trail today. They would make me laugh, do their job in only a way each of them could, and then go and live adventures off the trail. I consider them incredible men and am grateful their friendship. And this is how it goes at Anasazi. Every time an Anasazi Lost Boy shows up, whether it's his first time coming to Anasazi, or his 6th year on & off, I can't wait to hear his story.

Each Anasazi Lost Boy has some scruff, a beard (or one in making), his own unique personality, and a story to rival most people. He has been on many adventures, his heart has been broken, and you can feel that every experience has led him to the man he is becoming. I get so excited to meet new Lost Boys and my heart breaks when they say goodbye.

There was one Anasazi Lost Boy whom I loved almost the moment I met him. He was big and burly. His hair was crazy (and just gets crazier by the day), his beard grew long, and loved to carry a knife w/him wherever he went. These were cool things about him but the thing I instantly noticed and love about him is his heart. His heart no only loves but listens. It is rare to find someone with a listening heart. He has sat with me many times and held my tears and his heart listened to mine. For this and many more reasons I love this Anasazi Lost Boy! Oh, he has crazy stories in his past, he has wandered on the land, but some how he found his way to Anasazi—home of the Lost Boys.

Recently, I went to lunch with 2 Anasazi Lost Boys. They no longer work on the trail, have cut their hair, are going to school, and all other sorts of big boy things but...they are still Anasazi Lost Boys to me! I sat there picturing them all dirty, scruffy, eating mad dog, drinking stream water, and tending to the fire. I am grateful these Lost Boys are my friends.

And so to all the Anasazi Lost Boys whom I love, and those I have yet to meet, I just want you to know that I adore you. I love your stories. I love your scraggly hair and beards. I love your willingness to be at the right place, for the right reason, at the right time. But mostly, I love your hearts!

...But I Prefer Not To Be

It is only fair in response to my blog post, "I'd Rather Be Alone" to write the other side of the coin. While I learned and continue to learn how to be happy and single the truth is—I prefer not to be.

I have never been a big dater. Never one of those girls who got asked out a lot. Don't get me wrong I've had my fair share of dates—good & bad. As a result I haven't had a lot of boyfriends in my 16 years of dating (oh my heavens that is a lot of years of dating—blah).

Some of my boyfriends broke up with me but most I broke up with them. Some ended on amicable terms and some not so much. When I look back over my relationships I've been a part of—some romantic and some best friends—there are some small, yet significant, things I miss a lot when I'm single.

One of my boyfriends used to twist my ring in circles when he was holding my hand.

One time I told my best guy friend that he couldn't talk to me at during the week of finals (I needed to focus and got a little crazy around finals). I got home from school and there was a beautiful bouquet of roses on the table from him. He was just letting me know he cared and wished me well on my finals.

One of my boyfriends could sit with me and laugh, talk, tell stories, for hours. We didn't need to be "doing" something all the time. We thoroughly entertained ourselves.

One of best guy friends had this ability to be so present. He was an incredible listener. I learned to be okay with silence around him.

I had a boyfriend who loved to take walks with me. Sometimes he would hold my hand but other times he would just walk next to me and we would talk.

One of my best guy friends would sit down at the piano and sing with me for hours. It didn't matter how bad the day was once we got singing, and his family would join us, life was better.

These are just a few but I'm sure you get the point and relate in your own way.

When I'm single I miss physical touch. I miss having someone who is invested in me. I miss laughing—the kind you do with someone you feel comfortable with. I miss just being with someone and not needing to say anything. I miss having someone to report to at the end of the day. I miss having a partner in crime or someone with whom to schedule events. I miss being invested in them. I miss finding ways to make them smile, small gifts that matter to them. I miss getting all dressed/dolled up for date nights. There's a lot of things I miss being single.

So lest anyone reading my blog think I am pro single and anti relationship I hope this post helped clarify.

Why I Try Not To Come To Utah

In the short amount of time I have been in UT I have been bombarded by lovely, sappy, in-love super young, couples (some w/adorable cute clothed kiddos). I try really hard to smile, tell myself it's okay that I'm single (you're getting a book published—be happy) but alas...REALLY!!!

They make it look so easy here. It just seems that everyone's doing it. Seriously, find your one true love, get married, have kids—easy peasy. I start to wonder if it's in the water, something in the cold air...I don't know but it makes me almost believe that it just happens here...ha ha.

So, to ease my mind and heart I listen to the 2 songs on repeat A LOT!

I'd Rather Be Alone

A friend of mine wrote an awesome post on his Blog called, "Marrying to be Married." You should read it. He got the idea for his blog post from reading this Blog post titled, "Are you fighting for your marriage or for me?" This post is also an excellent read. Both Blog posts inspired me to write my own version

I'd rather be alone then be someone's trophy.

I'd rather be alone then be a placeholder

I'd rather be alone then stay in a relationship I know I need to end

I'd rather be alone then feel like I need to be self deprecating in order to get a compliment

I'd rather be alone...

I haver learned a few things from my many years of dating. One of the lessons I've learned is that I would rather be alone then be in a relationship that's okay or a marriage out of convenience. Relationships and marriage are work. I want to work with someone who wants to work with me—not against me or for me.

Mannadarlin wrote on her blog, the post I mentioned above, something I believe whole heartedly:"But there is something special about fighting for a person rather than fighting against losing a placeholder like a girlfriend/boyfriend or even just someone to spend time with in your life."

I have lived and seen this in relationships. Sometimes the fear of being alone is stronger than the knowledge or the spiritual promptings you are receiving to get out of a relationship. On the other hand I have been privy and have seen where people, out of fear, aren't willing to fight hard enough for a person in their relationship. Like most things in life—balance is best.

There is no room in this world to settle. No need to lower my standards, my expectations, my hopes, dreams, desires. I know they are not unrealistic so I would rather be alone until they are met!

My friend Daniel wrote on his Blog, also mentioned above, something that is also so very true: "When we finish a relationship, we are often distraught that we are are doomed to futher singledom. But, this is not the case. If the relationship ended, then you weren't meant to be married, and you're overall happier than you would be otherwise. Take everything from your failed relationships, square your shoulders, thank God for your life and health, and then face your next relationship with optimism and hope."

I have found that my best break-ups (though painful) were when I gave it all I had. I dug in. I was myself, weaknesses and all, I listened, I learned, I laughed, I shared, I worked on things I didn't do so well, and so forth. Then, when things didn't go as planned I walked away with my head held high.

I spent a few day crying or moping around—sure (that is healthy) but I didn't beat myself up or wonder unending about what I could have done differently, questioning my weight, my flaws, etc. When it was time I asked my ex-boyfriend what I could have done differently. When it was time I forgave him and myself. When it was time I realized we weren't the best for each other or I put my trust in God that things would work out.

When you are a healthy, whole person and enter a healthy relationship then you can give and take in an amazing manner. Then when you break up it isn't life shattering. You can learn, let go, and move on. You are better for your next relationship.

My Book is getting PUBLISHED!!

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