Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Independent vs. Dependent

It seems strange to me that there are men out there that want to have a submissive, docile, train-them-as-they-go, dependent wife. I know this is true, and okay.  I know there are men who want to exert their manliness in their marriage and home. I know there are women who are perfectly happy following their lead. I know this but it's hard for me to wrap my head around.

I have been and am currently blessed to be surrounded by independent, strong, opinionated, forward thinking, headstrong, educated women in my life. So when the topic came up about dating a submissive/docile woman vs. a headstrong/independent women it got my mind reeling.

I grew up in a home where my parents, in my eyes, seems to equally work in our home. If mom made dinner—dad did the dishes. My dad may have been the primary breadwinner but my mother has kept up her teaching/licensing and is a substitute teacher when she wants.  My mom runs the money and the house. My dad plays a significant spiritual role. This was not the pattern of either of their parents.

I have 2 beautiful, brilliant, talented sisters who are married and they are both independent, headstrong, opinionated, powerful, fierce women. They love their husbands and respect them. Their husbands encourage them to be their best selves. Neither of these men married submissive, docile wives, and neither of them are any less manly as a result. In fact, I find I respect and love them more for their ability to blow wind in the sails of my sisters.

 I've learned a few things along the way of how to date, love, empower, etc. an independent headstrong women from awesome examples, like my mom and sisters, in my life.

  • Don't make decisions for her. She has worked hard, done the research, and has her own opinion. Instead ask her.
  • She may be strong and independent but that doesn't mean she doesn't need a place to be weak and fall apart. Allow her that space. Take her in your arms, talk to her, and listen. She never feels more loved then when she can be vulnerable and strong at the same time.
  • It is far better to understand than to be understood.
  • It is possible for you to be a gentleman without being patronizing
  • When you encourage her to be independent, strong, have opinions, it will not diminish your strength, power, or role as a man.
  • "Intimidating" women love to relax, feel comfortable, take off their heels, put away the days work, put their hair in a messy bun or ponytail, and still feel sexy. How a man makes her feel in these moments matter.
  • It is okay for you to talk to her about things that hurt you about her independence or strong will. It is okay if you want to serve her or give her things, or if you just want to be the strong one for a while.
  • It might be hard to get a strong independent women but the work will be worth it once you climb those walls.
  • Listen. Invest. Be present. You just might be blown away by her heart and mind.


Nate said...

I had to comment on this one!

A-Who are you dating?! It seems like most of this stuff really should just be a given.

B-You may need to be careful about how you frame what a guy is looking for. I would say that most men aren't interested in having a "submissive, docile, train-them-as-they-go, dependent wife." However, a guy really does like to be in a relationship with a woman who lets him be a man. That might just mean that she is sweet and kind and really considers his opinion as valuable. We all know who really controls the relationship (the woman) but the really exceptional woman is the one that allows the man to BELIEVE that he's in control. :)

C-I think you may want to consider a third option. There is "dependence" and "independence" and then there is "interdependence." It's the idea that while you know that you don't absolutely NEED to be with that person to survive, you WANT to be with that person because,'re better together than alone.

Kylee said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kylee said...

And so it begins...

A. And yet it isn't

B.This is so true.

C. Writing a blog that way would have never elicited your comments.

Nate said... you weren't writing to be insightful, you were writing to be controversial. Gotcha.