Invisible Drowning

 So many people are drowning in the kiddie pool these days. They are literally dying, killing themselves, and depressed while surrounded by so many people that care about them. They are walking around with smiles on their faces while they are crying and screaming on the inside to be loved, cared for, touched, taken care of, listened to, etc.

I believe that more often than not the way to show people they matter--that you care about them isn't about anything big or flashy. It's the simple gestures over time that let them know they are of worth.

We currently life in a society that is constantly connected yet quite often desperately disconnected.We start to base our worth on how much money we make, how many followers or "likes" we have, or even on what type of technology we choose. All of which are empty hollow things posturing to take the place of human connection. 

Money can't buy love and no amount of Twitter or Instagram followers can make you love yourself.

Sometimes it seems obvious that all we need to do is tell them what they need to do for help. To scream at them that all they have to do is stand up and they won't be drowning anymore. Don't they know that they are in a kiddie pool and that all they need to do is put their feet down? 

The problem is that most of the time we have no idea who is actually drowning.

So what can we do to help those who are invisibly drowning?

• When you listen to someone, really listen, and don't feel the need to rescue them or solve their problems you help them to know they are capable of doing hard things.

• When you call, text, email, message someone  out of the blue when something reminds you of them you help them  to know you care about them specifically.

• When you spend time with someone and they  NEVER see your phone, not even for one minute, then they know you are present and engage--which means, if they need to, they can be vulnerable.

• When you take the time to write down some words for someone on a sticky note, letter, card, etc. They know that not only are you thinking about them but you took the time to write it down for them read later--which they will need on dark days.

• When you decide to dig in, to be honest, truthful, and actual help someone be their best, even if that means saying hard things, they know you are in it for the long run and not just their because things are easy.

• Knowing that someone cares for you or loves you is NOT the same as them telling or showing you. Everyone needs reminders that they are loved and worthy of love.

I am sure there are many other ways to help those around you know you care , that they are loved, and that they do matter. Do what you can where you can and with whom you can to let the people in your propinquity know you see them drowning and are willing to help.

I am so grateful for the people in my life who let me know I matter, that I'm loved, that I make a difference, and that they care. I need it just as much as anyone else!

The Pros & Cons of my First Whole30

I did it! I finished my first round of Whole30. I admit I cheated a bit but mostly I was very strict and followed all the rules. I don't eat/drink much dairy so that wasn't too hard for me. I also am picky about my sugar/sweets intake so that wasn't much of a struggle. The thing that surprised me was how much I wanted to eat carbs. I wanted to eat bread all day almost every day from day one. I wanted noodles, sandwiches, toast, garlic bread, rolls, etc. 

I also decided to really work out every day except for Sundays not matter what and I was able to accomplish this. It was a struggle sometimes with my schedule and with feeling really sore on week 3 but I kept my goal and I know I'm better for it!

Pros:

• I have self control
• I lost 9 lbs. and 6 in.
• I actually cooked for myself almost every night
• I bought good food for my body instead of frozen/fast food
• I worked out 6 days out of every week
• 1st week: run 1 mile/bike 1mile add some abs work
• 2nd Week: run 2 miles/bike 2 miles add some abs work
• 3rd Week: run 3 miles/bike 3 miles (get really sore) add lifting (30 min) circuit
• 4th Week: run 2 miles/bike 4 miles add abs & lifting circuit
• I have helped to heal my gut and give my body a restart
• I have rid myself of my Diet Coke addiction (I don't plan to drink soda again)
• Due to my allergies I'm and kind to my body by not eating/drinking dairy 
• I feel great about my commitment to my body
• I have a lot more energy and stamina than I had before I started Whole 30
• There is a lot of #whole30 support on social media (thanks Instagram supporters)
• Because I was in the kitchen all the time at home I got to talk with my roommates a LOT more during meal times.

Cons:

• I want ALL THE BREAD IN THE WORLD
• I've been having crazy dreams of sweets and bread and the fatty in me is screaming like never before  I  just want to eat them all--even things I didn't like or crave before Whole30
• I prefer intuitive eating over rules and restrictions
• I've never eaten so many eggs before in my life--ahhh!
• I wasn't expecting to lose a ton of weight or inches but I would have preferred a bit more noticeable difference before/after.
• People think I'm weird for doing whole30 so sometimes the lack of support or understanding was hard.
• Food is never fast. The buying, prepping, cooking, eating process is a long haul.

I think I'm going to take a few weeks off and reintroduce a few foods but then I plan to do another round soon. 

Anyone want to join me?

Freedom Fighter

Freedom Fighter

Today I sat alone and thought

Of all the blessings I've received

And of the trials I didn't choose

And why I still believe

I thought of all the slaves

All the tears and pain and grief

How heavy the darkness seems to loom

And press upon my belief

I thought about the children

Some free of fear and some not

My heart filled up with gratitude 

For everything I've got

And then I thought about freedom

A gift that was given to me

And I wondered how I'm doing

In this home of the brave and land of the free

I thought about my purpose

And all that I can do

To be a freedom fighter

And to ask you to be one too

I thought about liberation

How justice and mercy win

When abolitionists work together

to bring bring freedom back again

Dear Grant: If I Died Today

Today is the death anniversary of my brother Grant. I decided to write him a letter about my life if I died today.  This is for you Granty

Dear Grant,

If I died today the thing I would be most excited about is seeing your face and giving you the biggest hug. I would have lots of questions but just being with you would be more than enough for a while.  Then I would take turns hugging Grandpa Shields, Grandpa & Grandma Brinkerhoff, Aunt Lisa, and all those I love and had the honor of hearing about their stories. I think I would be sure to spend some time with Holly Cottle and Lucy Jackson and tell them their families miss them greatly and still celebrate their birthdays with balloons and pink ribbons.

If I died today little brother I want you to know that I have lived a life filled with love, adventures, heartache, passion, and so much joy. Your death helped me to, at an early age, understand that there is not much in life that matters more than that the people you love KNOW that you love them. I call this my "Grant's Gift". I have spent my life since you died trying my best to communicate to others how much I love them and how grateful I am for them.

If I died today I want you to know that I have no regrets--that has been my biggest fear- to have regret. So I have tried to be honest, real, present, and to soak in all the moments I can. I have tried to be fearless, brave, and go big or go home. I have swung and missed plenty of times but I am so much stronger for all that swinging!

If I died today I'd want you to know that your big sister spends most of her day time working with teenagers who struggle in life. Once in a while I see you in the face of a struggling young man and  I pray that somehow I can help them to feel love, that they matter, and that their life can change. It took me a long time to figure out what I wanted to do for a career in my life but in the end I think I always knew I would be doing this.

If I died today I would tell you about your best friend, dad, and also about how incredible mom has been through the years. I think you would want to know that dad tries to go to all the motorcycle trips, still LOVES BYU, and built a house with his bare hands. I would tell you that your mom is one of the most amazing women I know. She has been raising 8 kids for most of her life and she is rocking it! In addition she was the General Contractor on the new house, has made a ton of amazing dresses for us girls, and has been the greatest support ever. Dad continue teach the gospel and changing lives but these days he watches a little more TV. He has traded in his running shoes for a bike and loves riding outside these days.

Then, I would tell you all about your brother and sisters and how they have grown into such amazing people. Your sister Chelsea is a mom and she adores her little Eden. I think you and Eden would have had a blast together. Chels is a rock star in her life. She does Ted Talks, travels around the world for work/school, and has a gazillion followers in social media when it comes to her ideas on feminism and equality.  Your sister Dani is seriously the funniest person I know and she is the mom of 2 little munchkins.  She is incredibly talented with design and she looks like a model in all her pictures. Your sisters Kate & Ali are popcorn in life. They just got back from a stint together in Hawaii and no matter what happens they seem to weather the storms together. Kate is loving life in Colorado and Ali is finally ready to start a music career. Your brother Clay is living the life out in Ohio selling home security systems. He's already won cruises, been the top seller, and he's having a blast with his team of guys. Clay is getting ready to start college and he is best friends with dad (so you don't have to worry so much about dad).  Your baby sister Camryn or "lizzie" as mom used to call her has grown in a beautiful young women. She loves to be with friends, serve others, and basically lives on sugar. Once upon a time she broke almost all the bones in her body but now she good as new. We all still talk about you, watch family home videos, and wonder how life would be different if you were around.

If I died today I would tell you that there is huge beautiful tree on the side of the road in Orem, Ut that is yours. It started off scrawny and small and has weathered every storm to become a beacon of hope for many. I visit your tree often and find comfort and solace there. It is a constant reminder to me of grace--line upon line.

Every day I wake up and breathe and lay down at night to close my eyes I am grateful. I know what it feels like to have someone in my life one moment and then gone the next.  I am so grateful for the moments I got to love you and be loved by you. I am not afraid to die for many reasons but one of the biggest is I know I get to see you again. I miss you brother and today I celebrate your life and death and hope that I can make you proud.

Love Always & Forever,

                         Kylee

Lions, and Horses, and Babies....Oh My!

I  keep seeing posts about how people should worry about "more important things" than #cecilthelion and #wildhorses in the Tonto National Forest. People are saying that everyone should be more in an uproar about starving children, babies being aborted, and human trafficking.

I am a freaking social worker/therapist who has a special interest in incredible groups like Fight the New Drug​ and Operation Underground Railroad​. I am very interested and passionate about diverse subject. I also happened to be a Wilderness Programs​ Therapist in the Tonto National Forest for 3 years and I LOVED every moment I got to see the wild horses run free. So I posted about how I think they should remain where they are and free.

The great thing about life and the big world wide web is that everyone can raise a voice to whatever cause they want to with as much passion as they can muster. If you are outraged by the killing of a lion or how a certain organization is treating unborn fetus' then you get rant & rave all over social media about it.

"Comparison is the thief of joy"

Comparing one cause or event over the other--and condemning people for not choosing your cause it just stupid. There are  plenty of grievous things happening in our society to go around. So let those who are grieving Cecil-grieve. Let those who worried about what is happening at Planned Parenthood do their thing and let me be worried about the wild horses I love so much in Arizona.

If you want more people to raise money for human trafficking then get out there and raise your awareness, raise money, and be a voice that will be heard. If you are appalled at what is happening at Planned Parenting then stop blaming people who are concerned about other things and get out there and vote, sign the petitions, etc. There is a lot of good to be done and change that needs to happen.

5 Real Reasons for the Mormon Dating "Crisis"

I guess I shouldn't have been surprised by the responses/comments on my FB wall when I shared this article, "Are Single Mormon Women "Screwed"? the other day. I truly believe these words, as I commented, "I don't put much stock in any one reason why we, as Mormon Singles, are in a dating "crisis".  All you need is one person and I see it happening all the time. #istillbelieve." The truth, however is that while I still believe in love and marriage it does seem difficult to date these days.

 I get asked all the time why I am still single and feel instantly caught by the question. If I tell this truth, that I hardly date at all, then the person asking feels sorry for me or the need to validate me and then say something trite like, "you're so great it will happen for you." If I tell the other truth, that I'm pretty happy single, then they usually choose one of two responses. "That's right just live your life, be happy, and it'll happen when it does." or "Maybe you just need to put yourself out there more and be less picky."

I would just prefer that no one ask me why 

I'm single and avoid all of the above

So here are five of the real reasons why I think Mormon singles are struggling in this dating "crisis". These are from my experiences and opinions and in no way an exhaustive list.

1. We Are Picky

Watching the people you love the most go through terrible divorces, awful abusive relationships, and lowering their standards to feel loved and not lonely is incredibly heartbreaking. It's not wonder we, as singles, are picky!  Many of us want Temple marriages and along with that comes worthiness, commitment, obedience, and much more. This mean we are looking for someone with specific qualities--thus being picky.

We want someone that not only makes us feel safe and happy but that we are attracted to as well. This makes it hard to just line us all up and match us together.  We can see couples that are miserable together and don't want anything to do with this kind of love. We know marriage isn't perfect but we'd like to at least start off believing we got a catch.

2. We Compare & Compete Instead of Working Together

I don't really understand why we, as singles don't protect and care about each other more. Why we aren't looking out for each other--trying to work together for love. Instead, it seems we compare ourselves to others, we call "dibs" or "territory" on people that aren't ours to own. We're competitive instead kind. There seems to be a scarcity of good Mormon singles left so instead of working together we trample each other on our quest to not be so lonely.

I keep waiting for some kind of Mormon Dating App that is basically singles setting up other singles with their friends that are single. Like nominating your top favorite girlfriends with your guy friends' top favorite dudes. We know our great single friends but rarely think, he/she would be awesome for you-know-who b/c we are actively looking for people to date ourselves. I think maybe we'd have more success this way. Someone figure this out please...

3. We are Tired

Seriously though, I have been actively "dating" now for 19 years--ugh just the sight of that number makes me want to take a nap! We are tired of "putting ourselves out there", getting rejected, spending money, coming up with great date ideas, and the list goes on and on. We are still doing all these things b/c no one has come up with a better idea but let's be honest--we mostly hate it.

Most of us singles have full-time jobs, part-time jobs, work for non-profits, volunteer at incredible organizations, own homes (that need work), take care of children (or nieces/nephews),working on hobbies/talents, go shopping, get groceries, etc. We have full lives and then we are expected to "put ourselves out there" by being social. It just is hard to find the time/energy sometimes.

4. We Want to be in a Healthy Relationship

Mostly Mormon singles I know don't believe in soul mates or even finding the "right" person. They are wanting what everyone basically wants in a companion. We want to be with someone who is healthy mentally and spiritually. I can't tell you how many people have told me to just "settle" or "lower my standards" in order to get married. This is how I feel about those two options:

It's hard enough nowadays to navigate life, religion/spirituality, health/fitness, jobs, responsibilities, family, etc. while being single it makes sense that adding another person (or more if they have children) into the mix is going to complicate things. This doesn't mean we aren't up for the challenge but it needs to make sense and feel right.

5. We Can't Seem to Get on The Same Page

I remember a time when dating was just getting to know each other and have a good time (just lunch kinda thing). Then it got all complicated by what appeared to be needy people who put too much thought into why people asked out certain people. Then dating become a sort of game where you had to chase or balance the "I like you" with "I don't like you too much". Then we went through that "Close you cupboards" stage.  You can imagine that dating would complicated when the roles or who does what gets all jumbled.

For ever person that tells me that I should start asking guys I'm interested out there is another person who says that is a terrible idea.  Some people say I am intimidating and others say I don't get out socially enough. It's a sort of damned if you do and damned if you don't sort of world. All that second guessing, over analyzing, self deprecating, and so forth causes a lot of noise and confusion in the dating world.

Next time you want to ask me why I'm still single--stop. 

Instead just tell me how awesome I am for still be in the dating scene and believing in love!

A Middle Mormon Voice

Recently there were 2 opposing articles that were published about opinions on women and equality in the Mormon church. In reading both I felt there was a large group of Mormon women left out of the discussion. 

One of the articles,"This Fearless Mormon Feminist is Doing Something Very Brave and Very Dangerous" publish in Tech Insider quoted Chelsea Shields, "I gave my religion a free pass because I loved it, "Shields said. "Until I stopped. And I realized I had been allowing myself to be treated as the support staff to the real work of men." The other article  "In Response to The Mormon Feminist" published in LDS Smile quoted Kera Birkland, "Now when it comes to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I have always been treated equal." Both articles state opinions of women's equality in the LDS church. Is it possible that both women are right?

I know there are many women in the church that feel sidestepped, marginalized, and suppressed. I also know there are many women in the church who feel supported, honored, and that they have different, yet important roles, than men. How do I KNOW both of these kinds of women exist? They are my mother, my sisters, my roommates, my cousins, and my friends. So it is true that one woman can feel she is "support staff" while another feels "I have always been treated equal."

It seems that in our society  the outlier voices are much louder than the middle voices. The dichotomy of, things being great just the way they are in the LDS church when it comes to women and, the voices shouting that women should have the priesthood, is not representative of the majority of women in the LDS church. I want to go out on a limb and say that the middle voice, or those who can see that there are still some equality issues in the church yet women, in general feel good about their place, is under represented.

I long for a discussion of how we can as women (and men too) start working together for the common good instead of seemingly working against each other. Telling women to leave the church if they aren't happy just isn't the solution. Also, making women, who don't desire to hold the priesthood, feel like they are stupid  or brainwashed, doesn't help either. I believe the power lies in the middle ground.

And while we're on the topic of black-and-white-thinking let's take the Planned Parenthood situation as another example. You can read articles, blogs, videos, charts etc. about the outlying sides of whether Planned Parenthood should be funded or defunded. Depending on which article or which side you choose to believe there is a LOT of seemingly great evidence to support your feelings.  One side is shouting that we should close it all down and the other side is screaming about the greatness in all the services Planned Parenthood provides. To me this isn't an all or nothing situation. 

Like most things in life there is a grey space between these voices or sides.  I think the middle voice is closer to the idea that there are a lot of great services at Planned Parenthood that help a lot of people AND there are some huge moral issues, such as abortion, when it comes to life and death. It isn't as clear as the media or the loud voices seem to portray. There are parts and pieces of good just like there are parts and pieces of bad in many polarized topics.

I don't get too involved publicly or personally with the issues above or others, not because I don't have an opinion or because I don't care--most of the time it's because I tend to be somewhere in the middle of the conflict (and there's no fun in that argument, haha). 

People  are complicated, passionate, opinionated, vulnerable, and so much more. We bleed, we cry, we love, and we all die. We live most of our lives in the grey, not in the black-and-white, and yet the middle or grey never seems to be splashed across any media, blogs, or articles youtube, etc.

 I  feel like the middle voices needs to be heard in the middle of all the conflict! 

What do you think?

Ask For What You Need

I have been thinking a lot about relationships lately. What makes friendship work, how siblings communicate love, why people fall and grow in love, and much more. There is a lot of information out there but lately I've been specifically thinking about the idea of asking for what you need in relationships.

I work in a job, as a therapist, that is entirely relationship based. It is pertinent to have a good therapeutic alliance with my clients. I can't do my job if my clients don't trust me. As a human being I think the same thing is important. To be in a healthy relationships means that you take care of yourself and the needs of others--two whole people that learn to trust each other and become vulnerable.

I love studying *positive psychology, The Arbinger Institute, and recently listening to my friend Nate Bagley's "Loveumentary" podcasts. All of these people teach about a principle of self care, serving others, asking for what you need,  healthy communication, treating people as people not objects, etc. It got me thinking...

At my current job I am required to used a research based outcome measure tool called My Outcomes before and after every individual session I do with my adolescent students. There are 4 questions my clients rate on me and how the session went at the end of each of their individual sessions. It works on a sliding scale sort of like 0-10.

• I felt hear, understood, and respected.
• We worked on and talked about what I wanted to work on and talk about.
• The therapist's approach is a good fit for me.
• Overall today's session was right for me.

I've had to be accountable to these 4 important questions for the last 18 months. It has created opportunities to talk about my therapeutic relationship with my clients. Some of these conversations have been uncomfortable and hard to hear where I wasn't meeting their needs.  In each of the 4 above questions I get to check in with my clients and adjust to what helps them feel more heard, respected, focused on what they want to get out of their sessions, and so forth. We are consistently adjusting the way we communicate with each other. They ask for what they need and so do I. 

Having to adjust my communication,  the way I go about approaching hard conversations, and so forth has made my relationships much more intentional.  A thing of which I think is vital to healthy relationships. Asking for what you need isn't selfish-it actually means you may get what you want and a better, stronger, healthier relationship.

* To be more intentional when it comes to love check out my friend Nate Bagleys's Loveumentary & Unboxed Love and tune into his podcast: Loveumentary.

To learn more about self betrayal, treating people like people not objects, and great leadership skills check out, "The Anatomy of Peace" by The Arbinger Institute.

To look into Positive Psychology I recommend you check out these books: "Quiet" by Susan Cain, "The Happiness Advantage" by Shawn Achor, and  "Authentic Happiness"by Martin E. P. Seligman to begin.

Do You Really Know?

Do you really know the people around you?

Do you know what makes them happy, what they do most of the day, what drives them as a person, what pains they carry, and how they became who they are today?

The Sassover Rebbe said that he learned the meaning of love from overhearing a conversations between two villagers. One asked the other, "Do you love me?" The second replied, "I love you deeply" The first asked, "Do you know my friend what gives me pain?" The second protested that he could not possibly know. "If you do not know what gives me pain, " lamented the first, "how can you say you love me?"  (Rabbi David Wolpe, Making Loss Matter, 1999)

 Most of the people around you who appear strong, confident, courageous, and fearless have lived a life filled with loss, grief, pain, and disappointment. They have had to make some very important decisions in their lives that led them to the person they are today.

Have you asked them about their story?



I love hearing people's stories. I am continually amazed, and shocked, at times, the things people have overcome. I learn time and time again that most people, when tested, learn to fly.

This past year I learned that one of my friends had a girlfriend that was killed while they were riding their bikes and just one year earlier his previous girlfriend committed suicide. I couldn't believe that he carried around all that with him as part of his story. I would still not know this about him if I hadn't asked him to tell me about his story.

A while back another friend of mine told me, while we were on a ferris wheel, that he was struggling with a crippling addiction (I had no idea) and that he was finally getting help. He actually thanked me for sincerely wanting to know how he was doing. He was grateful to tell someone about his story.

The other night I shared dinner with another friend that showed me her 2 year sobriety coin and told of some of her ugly past that she regretted and how grateful she was for Grace and the opportunity to change.

Another friend shared with me, after years of knowing her, that her father was in prison for killing her mother in a domestic violence situation. She told me this after asking me about my brother's death. When I was willing to share with her parts of my story she felt free to share hers. She was relieved to finally share her story after years of not talking about it to anyone.

I'll never forget sitting one day in grad school, after a huge group assignment was over, there were a bunch of us sitting around at my friend's house and we started sharing why we decided to get our Master's in Social Work.  Later, when we were cleaning things up and everyone had left, I asked the host why she decided to study Social Work. She told me she that when she was younger she had been raped and it was a social worker that helped her in her process of healing.

It is amazing what we learn when we ask and listen to people as they share their stories.

After the dark comes light

If you ever want to be inspired, feel compassion, be grateful then all you need to do is ask someone you know to tell you their story. You might be amazed and how much you really don't know.

Bring Back Your Boldness & Bravery

Dear Single Men,

First of all, let's agree that dating sucks but so does being single.

Second, let's make a truce for just a few minutes and be on the same team when it comes to wanting to be in a healthy relationship.

It seems to me that by the time you hit your 30's you can assume that there has been a good share of hurting, vulnerability, divorce, shame, self deprecation, people judging your mistakes, people judging your accomplishments, weight gain/loss, hair loss, people-pleasing, laziness, over-achieving, under-achieving, grief, and so much more.

I imagine you are exhausted.

It seems to me that you might be tired from trying to make women feel good by pretending over and over that you are clueless and oblivious to their interest--so as to not hurt their feelings. Also, you may be tired of hearing how many incredible women there are out there for you to choose from.

I figure by know you are pretty settled into your day-to-day life. You have family who support you and friends that you spend time with and most likely you not only have a job but a career--that you love and where you work hard. The thought of dating just seems futile.

I get it. I really do.

Remember how we made a truce and we are on the same team fighting against loneliness and the awful parts of being single (because we all know there are wicked awesome parts). So here's the deal let's mix it up and bring it back old school.

Please bring back your boldness and bravery.

I know in a world filled with technology that it is much easier to slyly get my number from a friend or add me on Facebook but I can't tell you how awesome it is when you just ask me for my number or ask me out on a real date. No "let's get a bunch of friends together and eat sushi" or "let's talk about your new entrepreneurial business idea while we eat food."

Bring it back simple, bold, and brave. There just isn't enough of that today.

Let's go on adventure. Let's make mistakes. Let's be awkward at first and then land in that space where we can't get enough of each other and everyone hates us. Let's choose to have hard conversations that make us think and change us. Let's share parts of us we have been dying to share but had no one who listened long enough.

Bring back your boldness and bravery and I will match it with my confidence and caring.

Love, All the Single Ladies

Together We Are Better

Don't mistake my silence for indifference
Grief is messy and there is no right way to mourn
When people we love and may not even know are killed
We, as humans, can't help feel hurt, betrayed, and torn

You may lash out in anger and I may be silent
That doesn't mean we both don't feel fear
You may try to find a reason or a cause
While I may just hold my loved ones near

People are people are people are people
And Love is love is love is love
Don't throw me into your "us against them"
Anger betrays  you when push comes to shove

My religious beliefs are not your concern
How I choose to live them however, affects all
And making any tragedy all about you
Is one of man's greatest downfalls

I may not sign a petition or march in a parade
But don't think for a moment I don't care
Together in love we are better and stronger
I have faith in good people out there

To REMEMBER Orlando, Newton, Boston
Fort Hood, Aurora, Killeen, Sandy Hook
Colorado, South Carolina, and so many more
Is something history can't overlook

So with heavy hearts and pleading souls
We each struggle to find our way
Remember the way you choose to grieve
May be different then me some days

I imagine there are things in which we agree
And therein lies our greatest power
To focus what we have in common for good
Line upon line and hour by hour

So fight the good fight however you choose
That allows me to do things my way
And hopefully we'll come together as one
At the end of these difficult days

Ways You Can Support Someone Who is Single

My wicked awesome friend Stacie Proctor recently wrote a FB message titled, "Ways You Can Support Someone With A Mental Illness." I really loved her ideas and in that same vein I wanted to write up a little ditty of my own about singles.

Ways You Can Support Someone Who Is Single

When a single person says, "It's been really hard being single this long."

Don't Say:

•  "Oh, you just haven't met the right person...they're out there." 
•  "God is using you in different ways than being a mother/father...you are doing things you    couldn't do if you were married or had kids."
• "Timing is everything....it's happen

Do Say:

• "That must be hard."
•  "What is hard for you?"
•  "I really have no idea what that feels like but I'm glad you are talking with me about it."

As singles we know you love and care about us--this is why we are being vulnerable in the first place and letting you in on our pain.  As Brene Brown so aptly put it in this little lovely clip called "Empathy", "Rarely, if ever, does an empathic response begin with, "At least..."

When a single person says, "Sometimes it's really hard to be around family or at church where everyone seems to be married and have kids."

Don't Say:

• "Yea, but parenting is lot harder than you think."
• "But on the bright side you get to travel all around the world."
• "If you don't get those blessings in this life then God will make them up to you in the next."
• "You are so brave to keep showing up."

Do Say:

• "Oh man, that's got to be hard."
• "How do you deal with that?"
• "Tell me more about that..."

Acknowledging me when I'm in pain–not rescuing or placating me–but just being there or sitting in that moment feels SO much better than anything you might say. I am most likely not tell you  aobut my pain for you to fix it but just for you to see me or hear me in that moment. Again Dr. Brene Brown said, "...The truth is rarely can a response make something better."

When a single person says, "Dating is really hard." or "I haven't been on a date for a long time."

Don't Say:

• "You're so pretty/handsome you don't need to worry about it.
• "You are just too awesome, you are intimidating, there's no guys/girls out there good enough for you.
• "Well, if you weren't so picky"

Do Say:

• "I hear you, dating really is hard."
• "It's been a long time since I've been in the dating scene–what's it like?"

Good intentions are not the same as truly listening. Making me feel good about myself doesn't take away my loneliness. However, when you find a truth/pain inside of you that feels/felt similar to my pain and share that with me it makes all the difference.

***Bonus: Many times I got to family reunions of activities in my home ward and it seems that the only thing people can ask me about is if I'm dating someone. In essence, it's asking me about something I lack, over and over again. This does not build friendships or create unity. There is a lot you don't know about person that you can't see so just ask. For example, "Tell me about your job", "I heard that did some international traveling", I think I saw something on FB about you writing a book", etc. ***

"Home"

Lessons Learned

As I've been doing each day of the #LIGHTtheWorld Campaign (25 ways to serve in 25 days) I find myself  feeling so grateful for all I have and the people I love and love me back. I get excited each day to find out what kind of service I will be doing. Today was no exception.

Day 12: "Jesus taught others and so can you"

All throughout my day I had been thinking of some of my favorite lessons learned. I remember the day my dad helped me learn to change the oil in my car...and then said, "I hope you never have to do that." I remember this one piano teacher I had that told me there is no secret to learning hard things but there is great reward. I remember the lessons learned when my brother died and my parents turned to God with such faith. I remember the lessons I learned when one of my best friends taught me the power of silence and how to truly listen. I am so indebted for the many lessons learned by incredible teachers but my mind kept going back to lessons learned from my grandpa Gus.

He was the BYU student body president, member of the Y's Men Band, and went on to raise 9 incredible children. My grandpa serve in the New England States mission w/o purse or script. Many nights he was cold and hungry but he had faith in God...and God delivered.

It was really no surprise to people that when my grandpa died many people shared their stories of how he had given them money for this or that. He helped missionaries pay for their missions. He never had much money raising 9 kids on a Religious Teacher's salary but whatever he had he shared. Grandpa would also say, "If money is your only problem--then you don't have problems." As someone who seems to always struggle with money I am keenly reminded of what he meant when I look at my life that has been filled with so many rich blessings.

And so as I'm finishing up my night, thinking of what I'm going to post on my Instagram about day 12,  I head over to Smith's to get a few things. On my way in a homeless man called me over and we had this conversation:

          HM: Good evening ma'am could you spare me some change on your way out.

          Me: I don't usually carry around change but would like something else?

          HM: I need some garbage bags?

          Me: Can I get you anything else, something to drink?

          HM: (smiling up at me) I need a lot of things in my life but a Coke would be great.

Then as I'm heading inside a nicely dressed middle-aged lady pulled me aside and said, "I wouldn't give him anything if he asked for something...it will just perpetuate his situation." I stopped dead in my tracks, I am sure she had the best of intentions, but I looked her in the eyes and said, "Well, then it's a good thing he didn't ask you." 

I walked inside and grabbed the few things I needed and thought about my warm car, nice house, my great job, and I got excited about getting a few things for the homeless man outside. I gave him the garbage bags, coke, chips and few other goodies and he was very grateful. I got in my car and just cried. I cried for the homeless man out in the cold. I cried for the lady who didn't understand. I cried because at that moment I deeply missed my grandpa.

The lessons I've learned have shaped the way I've lived my life and I wouldn't have it any other way. 

I Am Exactly Where I Am

I have faith that God loves me and knows me.
I'm working on the trust thing

I create my pathway and leave in my wake
the consequences of my choices

I am not defined by my religion or the labels people give me
but it is up to me how I represent myself

I am enough, whole, complete

We are more alike than we are different
but we have to let go of the boxes we carry

It not just love the wins but kindness, empathy, listening
and our humanity will always triumph over our hate

Please choose to foster the ground where I'm growing
rather than pick my petals

I'll do my best to sing you lullabies
and hold your hand when you are breaking apart

you are enough, whole, complete

In many ways I'm naive and that's okay
But I have listened to and shared sacred spaces of unspeakable pain

Many birds with broken wings have found refuge
in the safety of my heart

There are very few things that matter more

So if you let me I will shine a light on your becoming
in a way that you cannot hide or downplay

I will shout about the marks you are making on the world
so that it reverberates and makes micro cracks on their souls

I am exactly where I am
and that is more than enough

An Open Letter to My Mormon (and no longer) Friends

Dear Mormon (and no longer) Friends,
I have been thinking a lot about our friendships lately. I think it should be pretty obvious by now that we are NOT friends simply because you are or once were Mormon. We're friends because we have something in common, our hearts spoke to each other, we have shared experiences that bonded us, we served each other, and many other reasons. I just need to make it perfectly clear, that in all reality, it really isn't because we happen to both be Mormon. I just love you for you.

 To my BYU, EFY, Mission, Jerusalem Study Abroad, and friends I've met at other various prominent Mormon meeting venues. I don't expect you to be the same person TODAY as you were back then. Heaven knows I have changed. I would hope you would offer me the same growth. So, if you have gotten married, stayed single, got divorced, left the church, came out as gay, or any other number of life-altering things have happened to you--most likely I love you even more! I find that enduring/overcoming life's challenges make us strong and strengthens friendships. I DON'T love you because we met at EFY or we went to BYU together or even because you are/were Mormon. I just love you for you.

 To my Mormon Mommy Friends. I grew up in a home with 6 ADHD siblings and a father who is a teachers (we were poor). So I know what a busy schedule and a messy house feel and look like. So don't worry so much about all your excuses about how your house looks when I come over. I didn't come to judge you. Also, yes I am a writer/blogger but you don't need to apologize to me about how terrible you blog is or how you wish you were better at making your life look impeccable online. Those blogs stress me out. Actually, the fact that you can wake up early, feed multiple mouths multiple times a day, get a million (and one) things done, and then do it again the next day is MIRACULOUS! I am still working on taking care of this party-of-one. I don't love you because you are a good cook, keep a clean house, write and awesome blog or because you are the baby whisperer. I don't love you because you are married or because you are Mormon. I might even roll my eyes a bit at your Betty Crocker, Mr. Clean, Super Nanny all rolled up into one persona, but that is NOT why I love you. I just love you for you.

 To my Gay or SSA/SGA Friends. Whether you have come out already or are still in the process I commend your bravery. I have shed and shared many tears with you and my heart aches for you. I can't tell you have many times you have helped me better understand the Atonement and what it means to truly love. Because being Mormon ISN'T the reason I love you--you can rest assured that when you leave the church I will STILL LOVE YOU. If you find the love of you life and you get married I will put on my fancy red heels and shwishy skirt and dance the night away at your wedding. I love weddings. I go to non-Mormon weddings so why would your wedding be any different. I DON'T love you because you are gay or because at one point you didn't identify as gay and now you do. I don't love you because you were Mormon or are struggling with your sexuality and are still striving to live an LDS life. These are NOT the reasons we are friends or that I love you. I just love you for you. If you find the love of your life and get married I will put on my fancy red heels and swishy skirt and dance the night away at your wedding. I love weddings! I go to non-Mormon weddings so why would your weddingbe any different. I don't love you because you are gay or because at one pointyou didn't identify as gay and now you are. I don't love you because you were Mormon or are struggling with your sexuality and are still striving to live an LDS life. These are not the reasons we are friends or that I love you. I justlove you for you.

 To my Friends Who Once Were Mormon—it's a good thing I didn't love you because you were. I am sure that you have a great reason for leaving the church and I am sure you didn't make that decision lightly. I am grateful for those of you who have shared your story with me—thank you. Whether you left out of your feminist beliefs, church history issues, because someone treated you poorly, you just stopped believing, God stopped answering your prayers, or any other number of various reasons—I still love you. You being Mormon is NOT why we are friends so you not being Mormon really doesn't matter much to me. I just love you for you.

 To All My Other Friends. If you somehow come across this letter then all I really wanted to say is that I LOVE YOU FOR YOU. You are enough--just the way you are. You are beautiful, even in your mess. You have a safe place with me. You have given my life so much color, music, and meaning. I hope we get to do a lot more dancing in the rain, intellectual conversations on countertops, tears streaming down faces while drinking tea or hot cocoa, swapping travel stories, starting businesses, exchanging Christmas cards with entertaining pictures of your growing family, and so much more. I hope you know, and if you don't, this is the reason for this open letter--that I LOVE YOU JUST SIMPLY FOR BEING YOU!

 Sincerely,
       Kylee Shields

Migrating...

Hey friends. I am migrating over to a one stop shop sort of place for all my goings on and writings. So please come check things out at www.kyleeshields.com.

Book Review of FORTIFY: A Step Toward Recovery

 

Title: FORTIFY:A Step Toward Recovery
Author: Fight The New Drug
Release Date: 2013
Publisher: Owl Publishing
Genre: Addiction Recovery

For those of you who know about ANASAZI it shouldn't surprise you at all the my favorite line in this book actually happens on page 5. "Our aim is to help you reclaim and become again who you are and always have been, even if you forgot that for awhile." At ANASAZI we believe every child has a seed of greatness within them. They just need to remember. Both philosophies mean that the strength to overcome negative behaviors lies within. 

I really like how easy it was to read through this book. It is set up very logical but there's enough pictures, flipping to the back of the book, stories, and so forth to keep a teenager entertained and turning the pages. The other thing I REALLY like is that it is not dumbed/watered down.

If there is one thing I've learned as an adolescent therapist is that teenagers do NOT want to be treated as children. If you set high expectations with love and respect, they will strive to reach them. At their core they want to be seen as good. This is why I love how FTND sets the bar high from the very beginning. There is an understanding and strength that flows through the pages that I am going to find hope and become a fighter even before I finish the last page.

I am a big fan of anecdotal stories to help drive a principle so I enjoyed the parts about Twinkies, salt water vs. pump water, Medusa, a sledgehammer, anchors, and many more.

As a visual learner I really appreciated the diagrams, pictures,  the pop-out "quick questions" that made me think,  the "Action Items," and of course "The Battle Strategies". All of the questions and flipping to the back of the book serve such an amazing purpose besides entertainment. After one finishes the book they haven't just read a good book—they've made a PLAN. I LOVE THAT!

Working with many teenagers who struggle with pornography has led me to do my own research. I've read a lot of scholarly articles and listened to professionals speak on the topic. At times it can get complicated and depressing. FORTIFY is simple and easy to understand. All along the way there are power statements like this, "Remember, getting out of your addiction isn't simply a matter of trying harder. Instead, it's a matter of fighting smart." (p. 63) And then they teach you how.

No matter what the addiction, be it video games, substance abuse, pornography, etc, when I'm working with a teenager I ALWAYS emphasize accountability and its importance. So this line stuck out to me, "...when it comes to recovery, one of the most important things good relationships afford us is someone to whom we can be held accountable." (p. 83) And then the importance of accountability was talked about at least 2 more times—awesome!

While there is much more I could say about FORTIFY I hope you will go READ THIS BOOK and learn more about the power it has to change, heal, and offer hope to those in the shadows.

Kylee Shields, MSW

Red Fred Project

Every once in a while you come across something remarkable—something that JUST MAKES SENSE. Today, for me, that is the Red Fred Project. First let me introduce you to how Red Fred came to be...



Once Red Fred and his friends The Jolly Troop came to be they couldn't help but make the world a better place! And so with that in mind Dallas Graham, creator and visionary, set about on a magical journey of creativity and love.

Dallas Graham started the Red Fred Project and explains a little more about how it just keeps on giving. "Each child is the creative boss; I'm just there to bring the story to life through photography, design, and a likable group of birds called The Jolly Troop. That book then becomes so many magical things: A lasting voice for these children's beautiful stories. A Tangible achievement for each child. A Way to help parents pay steep medical bills; all proceeds go straight to them. And the magic multiples, lives on forever—readers are inspired by the wisdom and imagination of these children."



You can imagine my joy when two of my loves—children and books collided into one wicked awesome life changing project. From the moment I learned about Red Fred Project I was hooked!

Please donate to the Red Fred Kickstarter Campaign and help Dallas and the Jolly Troop create lasting miracles!