The Art of Self Sabatoge

I was huddled in a corner of the SDSU track field (above a parking garage) in torrential rain and strong gusts of wind trying to figure out when my sister was going to be doing Triple Jump for UVU. I was on the phone w/ my mom and she was telling me that Alexa's coaches wanted her to scratch out of Triple Jump. I was confused and upset.

Then I spoke with a friend of hers and he told me that Ali best triple jump is around 36 and SDSU's sand pit is around 36. So her coaches wanted her to scratch b/c if she doesn't PR (jump the best she has ever) she won't even make the sand. My sister heard what they said and decided to jump anyway. I looked at her friend and asked him why? He smiled at me and said, "Kylee, she knows that in order to make the sand she will PR and that will force her to jump her best."

It was like a light exploded in my head. I have been thinking a lot about self sabotage, limiting ourselves, etc. I have talked with a lot of my friends who are trying to figure out things in their lives (and mine). It seems that they are almost afraid to be successful. They don't know how to live their dreams. They are so quick to limit what they are capable of doing to what they are familiar with.

I have been thinking lately of how I am looking down the triple jump lane in my life. Do I see the sand and fear the gap or do I see the sand and have faith that I will make it?

Room To Grow

"I had become a new person; and those who knew the old person laughed at me. The only man who behaved sensibly was my tailor: he took my measure anew every time he saw me, whilst all the rest went in with their old measurements and expected them to fit me." (George bernard Shaw (1856-1950) Man and Superman, 1903.)

People change. I am grateful that I am not the same person I was 10 years ago. I liked me 10 years ago but life has taught me much since then. I wonder though how forgiving I am of those I knew 10 years ago? Do I "measure them anew" when I see them again. Do I allow them space and room to grow, change?


Like life, people don't stay static. Challenges and heartache carve out holes in their hearts and triumphs and miracles build muscle. The heart of someone you once knew is not the same heart today. 


I know I need to be better at allowing people room to grow as I hope they will allow me the same.

Story Time: Delores, The Lady On The Corner

When I was living in Boston, MA as an AmeriCorp V.I.S.TA. I would often walk around downtown during my lunch break. I would walk around the Public Gardens or the Boston Common. Some days I would walk down to the water and eat my lunch overlooking the Harbor. No matter when I went for lunch I noticed this homeless lady standing on the corner, the same corner, every day.

She wasn't pan handling or even begging—I don't really know what she did there. I remember the day that snuck into my mind. I didn't know her. I didn't know what she did, where she came from, what her story was that led her to the corner. Most importantly, I didn't know her name.  I had been cordial to her in the past saying hi or good day. I think I even gave her a few bucks now and again but it wasn't the same.

One day I was determined to get to know the lady on the corner. When it came time for lunch I mossied on over to her corner and introduced myself. I asked her name and she smiled her almost toothless grin and said, "My name is Delores, but you can call me D—everybody does." Delores noticed my lunch and told me that if I was going to talk to her I might as well share my lunch. I laughed and let her pick through my lunch and take what she liked. Then we talked about perfectly random things.

Delores asked me if I wanted to buy a newspaper from her. I asked about the newspaper and she told me about Spare Change, a newspaper written & sold by the homeless in Boston. She bought each paper for 25¢ and sold them for $1. She let me know that a few weeks ago they ran an article she wrote. I bought a paper from her and she was done talking with me.

I took my newspaper and what was left over of my lunch and sat down at the base of the fountain in Boston Common, near the beginning of the Freedom Trail. I couldn't help but be grateful for talking to Delores.

Story Collector

In my life I have collected a few things such as postcards and angels but nothing for too long or on a regular basis—except for stories.

The other day a friend of mine called me a Story Collector and I loved it. He said that I seemed to love listening to people tell their life stories—that there is something about me that just compels them to share. He is right. I love to hear people tell their stories and can't wait to find the right moment to sit down and hear someone's story.

Everyone has a story but they are seldom asked to share it. I am continually amazed at what people will share when given the opportunity and listening ears.

I decided that I am going to start sharing some of the stories I have collected over the years.  Stay tuned for a series of simple, raw, unique, honest stories. I hope you enjoy reading about real people who have shared their experiences and stories with me.

This series of stories will be called, Story Time.

My New Obsession

For Christmas my mom gave me a Kindle. I wasn't expecting it and wondered if I would use it much. I really like the feel of a real book. I also got an Amazon gift card at Christmas. I had no idea that these two gifts would soon fuel my new obsession.

One day I "liked" TED on Facebook. Inspired by my sister, Chelsea Shields Strayer, who gave a TED talk in India. I had no idea what that would lead to. Just like in the book, "If You Give A Mouse A Cookie," one thing has led to the next.

I watched this TED talk by Shawn Achor
 I wanted to learn more about Positive Psychology and Happiness so I bought his book (on my Kindle w/gift card), "The Happiness Advantage."

 Then a few days went by and another TED talk caught my eye in my FB newsfeed so I check it out...

 I watched this TED talk by Susan Cain
 I loved it so much I couldn't help but buy her book (on my Kindle w/gift card), "Quiet." I also discovered that I think I'm an Ambivert.

No friends, it is not Pinterest, but I am nervous about this trend.

Long Enough To Work

Recently, I was asked a question I've been asked at least 13 times (that was for you Brandon) okay more like a hundred. "So what do you want in a relationship?" Usually I just say something like a good man who loves me and I love him. I don't go into too much detail. I was never a list maker when I was young, I don't really have a type. I have dated a variety of guys across the spectrum.


However, this time I was asked a new answer bubbled to the surface and came out of my mouth. I said something to the fact that I want to be in a relationship long enough to get to the point where we have to work.


I love love. I am a super fan of people actually finding another person who loves them and the love is returned. I love the feelings that you get in the beginning of a relationship—when you are unsure of everything but feeling so much. I love the "honeymoon" stage of a relationship where you look past another's flaws and focus on the here and now.


 BUT...


The part of the relationship I love the most is when all of that is over, when the friends/roommates aren't around, when it just the two of you and you have concerns, issues, red flags, to discuss. I love those raw, real, moments of communication. I love them because being willing to work with someone in a relationship means you truly love them. It is easy to quite. It is easy to walk away. It is easy to shine the light on someone else' flaws in order to feel better about leaving.


Working on a relationship means it is worth working on. To me, these days, that is what I am most looking for in a relationship—the work!

Lizard Lips & Hippos Tongues

I have a weird mom.

She likes it best that way.  Let me explain:

When I was a kid she would sing and dance in the kitchen while making us food. We would always ask what we were going to have for dinner and she would say, "Lizard Lipps & Hippos Tongues." To this day I don't know if it was to be funny or if it was because she had no idea what she was going to make for dinner.  As she continued to sing and dance we would get all embarrassed (we secretly love it!) and tell her to stop being so weird. She would keep singing and tell us, "You don't want a normal mom. Everyone has a normal mom." And she was right.

Thanks for being the perfect amount of weird mom!

Some Things Just Take Time

"A Russian team discovered a seed cache of Silene stenophylla, a flowering plant native to Siberia, that had been buried by an Ice Age squirrel near the banks of the Kolyma River (map). Radiocarbon dating confirmed that the seeds were 32,000 years old."

I recently read an article about a 32, 000-year-old plant that was brought to life. Isn't she beautiful?


Once I saw a picture of her I couldn't seem to get her out of my mind and then she weaselled her way into my heart. I kept thinking about how amazing it was that seeds would be found, nourished, fed, taken care of, and then 32,000 years later grow into a beautiful white plant.


In a world that is so focused on the here and now this little fighter plant is a reminder that some things just take time.


Healing hurts and takes time


Love grows or diminishes over time


Friendships are born out of time shared


I am grateful to that little Ice Age squirrel who buried the seeds of this beautiful plant. Silene is a reminder to me that some things just take time.

Date A Girl Who Writes

This blog was inspired by these blog posts: "Date a girl who reads", "Date an Entrepreneur"

Date a girl who writes. Date a girl who spends her money on pens, paper, and books rather than fancy-dancy clothes or expensive makeup. Date a girl who writes because she has a wonderful vocabulary but doesn't make you feel dumb.

Find a girl who loves paper. She writes on a computer for convenience but she prefers paper. She has cards ready on hand in her purse and loves to leaves a trail of notes wherever she goes. She is the one who is writing letters—the old fashion way of pen to paper, and sending them in the mail. She is a girl who owns a typewriter to actually use instead of admire.

Because she is a writer she is also well read. She knows that good writers are good readers. You will notice she always has a book in her bag next to her current writing notebook. Date a writer because all her books have dog-eared marked up pages with notes written in the margins that you secretly want to read. She is the one who doodles ideas on scraps of paper, napkins, and is always telling you her new story plot and fanciful ideas. You can find her at Bookstores lost in thought as she is doing research on what books are selling, what is the current YA trend, and trying hard to resist buying one more book she doesn't need.

Date the girl who is reading a book with all sorts of notebooks spread out around her. Sit by her, she might not notice at first, but challenge her with real questions and real desire to understand her world. Ask her about her book characters, the book(s) she is currently reading and share your favorite books. Challenge her on her ideas.

It is easy to date a girl who writes. Give her a book, notebook, gift card to a bookstore for her birthday, for Christmas, and anniversaries. Give her the gift of words in poetry, in song, in a simple letter. Give her Mary Oliver, Poe, Emerson, Rilke, any book on writing. "Let her know that you understand that words are love." Understand that she knows the difference between creating a world and the reality she lives. She will try to live her stories or fix her life problems through her characters and if you're lucky you will be privy to her sacred tears and triumphs in the process.

Let her really know how you feel about poetry, syntax, words, blogs. Don't be afraid when she wanders from reality to a place where she is generative, creative, and other worldly—she will wander back to reality.

Date a girl who writes because there is nothing like it. You will find she brings light, joy, and color into your life. If you want a safe half lived life filled with dull moments and splashes of color walk away from a writer. "If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who [writes]."

If you find a girl who writes keep her close. When you see her eyes glaze over and she is scrambling for something to write down a new idea—be patient. She doesn't know any better way to capture the stories, worlds, characters that are running around rampant in her head. When she is up at 2am writing furiously or crying over a book she can't stop reading, make her a cup of tea and hold her.  She may talk to you about her characters and their story, as if they are real, because to her they are. "You may lose her for a few hours but she will always come back to you."

It's okay to fail a writer because she knows that failures lead to triumphs, that after the climax comes the denouement, that sometimes the story ends...but sometimes there is a sequel. She knows that life is full of heroes and villains and patterns hers after those who have affected her life. It is also okay for you to be her hero and give her plenty of fodder for her next novel. Don't be too worried or scared of being perfect. Girls who write understand character development and the idea that flaws make for better full rounded characters.

Marry a writer because you can't imagine spending you time with anyone else. Because your heart is ready to burst and bleed out all over the floor when she gives you that look. Marry a writer because even is she never gets published you will never have worry about life being boring or lack for entertainment. Together you will write the story of your lives and sometimes you will use paper.

Love a writer because she will introduce your children to "Green Eggs and Ham", "Boxcar Children", and Shell Silverstein. She will play tinker toys, Lego's, and build castles out of blocks while introducing to them the idea of creating stories and using their imagination.  She will whisper poetry in your ear at the right time and will always be able to keep herself busy.

Find, date, marry, and love a writer because with her you will live a thousand lives, dream a million dreams, and never lack for a story.

What Does Your Trash Say About You?

Last night I had an interesting conversation with the guy who empties out the office trash cans. I said, "Please don't judge me by my trash." He laughed and told me that he learns a lot about people from their trash. He shared some examples of my co-workers.  In the office one co-worker's trash is full of sticky notes, one has apple cores, banana peels,  one has tissues, mine always has fast food from my lunches.

It was interesting to think about what my trash says about me....

Amalgamation or Absence?

Does is seem strange to anyone else that to the world I'm (enter any single person) am an amalgamation of all I've done, accomplished, been,seen—yet to the people in my propinquity I'm the absence of all that. I am only what I'm not—not attached (married or dating)?

"...Life Makes Love Look Hard..."

To the hopeless singles out there:


Recently, one of my friends said that he has a hard time believing in love.  A few months ago another friend of mine said he had little hope in relationships . They, and so many others, are thwarted and bombarded on every side with relationships that fail, divorce, and walls you have to climb just to get into a relationship.


I was listening to Taylor Swift's song, "Ours" and these words hit home, "So don't you worry your pretty little mind. People throw rocks at things that shine. And life makes love look hard. The stakes are high, the water's rough. But this love is ours."


And so I started thinking about those couples out there that I know are making it happen in their life and in their love. I, of course, would be remiss if I didn't mention my amazing parents, who, although they don't have a prefect marriage, have loved each other for more than 33 years! To me they are a great example of the power of love. So without further ado, here are 3 couples I wanted to give a shout-out to because their love has greatly affected my life!


Kevin & Sarah Lewis:
This week my friends Kevin & Sarah celebrate their 11 years of marriage. I am so proud and happy for them.  They have 3 beautiful and loved children. Things did not start out all roses and easy for them but they worked on their love and their marriage and their little family. they are a great example to me of what real love is like. Love takes time, work, lots of laughter, even more love, listening, sharing experiences, and starting it all over again each day. Thank you Kevin & Sarah for showing others that it can be done and done well!

Timothy & Katasha Connor:
The Connors hold a special place in my heart. They are fierce example of love and its persistance & patience. Tash & Tim didn't have the typical short mormon engagement followed by the whirlwind wedding. They worked on themselves, on their love for each other, and they worked with God to make sure everything and everyone was ready for the journey they were about to embark upon. They just recently had a handsome little baby boy and if you can't tell in the picture below, they are bursting with joy! These two not only work on their love but they work together in business as amazing photographers. You should check out their website: Infinity Imagery & their FB Page.  Thanks Katasha & Timothy for being an example of what true love looks like!

Rick & Lauren Enochs:
Lauren has been a friend of mine since high school. I don't think anyone should ever have to go through what she has in her lifetime. She fell in love, got married, and then had to watch the lover of her life die a terrible and painful death in front of her eyes. Only she knows the hell that ensued following that tragedy in her life. If ever there was a person who should hate the idea of love it would be her. Instead, like the warrior and champion she is she chose to love again.  I don't know much about her husband Rick but I know that he is married to one of my favorite people in the world. I will love him forever for loving her!  Thanks Lauren & Rick for showing others the healing power of love, that no matter what life throws at you love is stronger! Lauren is also an amazing photographer so check out her stuff on her Website.

RE: All Good Things Come In Threes

There is something about trios that makes the world a better place.  Think about it: Wilson & Phillips, Toy Story I, II, III, 3 coins in a fountain, 3 french hens, 3 little pigs, 3 bears in Goldilocks, 3 blind mice, 3 wise men...This is the story of 3 guys who made a difference in my life!

The names of the benefactors will be withheld for their protection. It is important to note that gifts are not my love language so these 3 men went out of their way to be unique and awesome! 

Boyfriend 1 gave me California lemons.  One day he randomly asked me, "Kylee, what is your favorite smell?" I had never been asked that before and had to think for a few minutes. After a while I told him I loved the smell of Lemon Trees in San Diego (where I served my LDS mission) and the smell of Jasmine bushes. He smiled and that was that—or so I thought.  Due to his job he travelled out of state/country a lot. A few weeks later he surprised me with this leaf plate of fresh picked lemons from a tree in California. What an amazing and thoughtful gift!

Note to Self: Take the time to listen and ask great questions and you will find some of the best gifts lie in those answers.

Boyfriend 2 gave me a game and tattoos.  I was on my way to Ghana, West Africa. He wanted to give me something as a farewell gift. He brought over this amazing Safari game that he and his younger brothers/cousins/etc helped him make. There were toy safari animals and paper rivers/lakes, toilet paper holder binoculars, safari-African tattoos, and so much more. It was incredible. It was so cute and took a lot of time.  It was very thoughtful.

(Thanks Google Images)

Note to Self: Truly, sometimes the best gifts are handmade.

Boyfriend 3 gave me a park. Well, technically the park isn't mine. It was just a normal day but he knew that things had gotten a little crazy for me at work. We were driving around and then I noticed we were heading to my office. I was curious what we were doing as we drove by the office. Then he stopped the car and lead me to this little park around the corner. We sat on the swings, laughed, talked, and had a blast. He knew I love to swing on swings and they relax me. So he thought it would be good for me to know that anytime I wanted to leave work I could walk around the corner and swing.  I still go there on rough days. The thing is I had worked at my office for almost 4 months and never knew about that park.  I'm grateful he listened, knew what I needed, and gave me that park!

(Thanks Google Images)

Note to Self: The best gifts in life are free!

I know for some of you it will be hard but please refrain from asking me why I am not still dating any of these amazing men...instead pay it forward to someone you love!

More Than Enough Love

I started to feel sorry for myself a bit tonight (I've think I've earned a small pity party) but then I was overwhelmed with love. While I may not have romantic love this Valentine's Day I have more than enough love in my life. I imagine when I was in Heaven I told God I could handle just about anything if He was sure to surround me with love.

Love will come.

Tonight I'm grateful for those who love me and for those who let me love them!

Happy Valentine's Day!

2 New Wicked Awesome Places!!

Recently 2 people I love introduced me to 2 places I now love! The first place is called Gangplank and William Brian Cobb introduced it to me. The second place is called Changing Hands Bookstore and Hillary Anne Clemens introduced it to me.

Check out their website to learn the ins & outs of Gangplank. For me it was a place where like-minded people could roam around. I love every minute of it. I even like walking across the street b/c when you push a button the street lights up along the cross walk.  At Gangplank they have 25¢ soda, old school video games, and presentations (TED style).

There are these collaborate free work spaces. Some start-ups pay for space but mostly you just come and use space.

you can print 3D objects

Everyone has postcard and sticky notes up everywhere

You get to write your name on this card and pick it up everytime you come. I thought it boring to use my normal name and decided on the name Lola....("whatever Lola wants, Lola gets")

This bookstore was overwhelming (in a delightful way) to me. I need to go back and take it in sections. I didn't even really get to the book b/c there was so much eye candy to get through before the books. I did, however, when I was overwhelmed, stop over at the awesome music store next door.

They have all kinds of cards, posters, wall hangings

crazy little things like these

pottery, decorative boxes, etc

metal things, wind chimes, etc

Be whatever you want to be hat rack

Hil wants to be a space cadet

DIY: Chalkboard Update

This is what my Chalkboard Wall looks like now. I LOVE it!

New Friends

I have always thought is kind of mystical or magical making new friends—not just any new friend(s)—the ones you can't believe you haven't had your whole life.

You meet them and it's almost like your souls were friends for a long time before you met. You just get each other.

A few weeks or months go by and someone asks you how you met and it's a little hazy because although you've only been friends for a short time it seems like it's been years.  You both laugh and try to tell the story of when you first actually met but cant really remember.

It's amazing, incredible, and life changing. I am fortunate to have had this happen a few times in my life. It never gets old!

"Bringing Sexy Back"

I love this for many reasons! I love it because it's true no matter how much media and the world try to tell/show us otherwise. I love it because it's real. I love it because it's being said by a prominent figure who understands her influence on others (even if it comes out that she never even said this.)

The other day I was talking to someone about dating/relationships etc.  We were joking around, swapping dating stories, and then someone said something, I think in jest, that I've actually been told (also mostly in jest) before...."Well, maybe if you just lower your standards or dress sexier then you would attract more men."

The first thing that came to my mind was you are right. It probably is true that I would attract more men but that is not what I want. I only need one man.  And while I hope he finds me sexy It won't be because I've lowered my standards or used my body as a sex object. It will be because I have self respect & self love!

Happy 6th Birthday Blog!

How Do You Like Your Eggs?

There is a scene from the movie, "Runaway Bride" that I use to sometimes to help people figure out who they are or who they want to become. Here is part of the scene:

Later Maggie will make all kinds of eggs, try them all, and then choose the kind she likes.

Maggie Carpenter: Benedict.
Ike Graham: Arnold.
Maggie Carpenter: I love Eggs Benedict, I hate every other kind. I hate big weddings with everybody staring. I'd like to get married on a weekday while everybody's at work. And when I ride off into the sunset, I want my own horse.
Ike Graham: Should I be writing this down?

Often I talk with teenagers and their parents or just friends of mine and what they really want, what they are really needing, is to find out who they are—or to rediscover themselves. They need to try the eggs and find the ones they like. Some how they have lost themselves in all the fighting, trying to live, dealing with things (sound familiar??)

When was the last time you did something just for yourself?